SENSE OF TIME
(Posted 2010-04-01 15:12:23 by ArchPaladin)

I've decided that I have a very skewed perspective of time.

All of my days seem long, yet months pass rather quickly.  I suppose this
is rather normal to a lot of people, after all, you can hear similar quips
from anyone about long days, or too little time in the day, or where did
all the time go, or any of a number of things people say.

But looked at another way this just keeps getting more skewed.  Today at
lunch there were some comments from my co-workers about some events that
happened in the company some two months ago, and it put me into a stunned
silence because to me it seemed like those events occurred an eternity ago.
 And there are the times when I see people who are a few years behind me in
their schooling who are graduating this year.  I look at them and wonder
that so much time has passed, and I ask myself _what have I been doing all
this time?_

Yet I can scan through a history of the things I've done and all the
different experiences I've had in the past year alone and it has been very
rich, full of memories that I can recall well, but don't stand out to me as
having taken any time at all.  Those memories are integrated into who I am
- it seems like they were a part of me all along.  And because they are
integrated into me, I look back and think that life goes on in its usual
never-changing rut, when really things have been changing as in a
whirlwind, and I've perhaps just had my head down and not been keeping
track.  I suppose if I had been keeping track of the changes I would go
crazy - overwhelmed in trying to keep up with it all.

I look at each day and wonder.  Do I live each day savoring each moment? 
If I do, is it normal then to not look back at the past, or keep track of
the days and remember the years as so many others seem to do?  Should I be
making distinctions, and comparing what is now with what is past or what
could be, and possibly yearning to live and capture and eternally relish a
different moment in my life's history?  I certainly think it would be
better to live for each moment and never care about the time it takes.  If
I am pleased with being in that moment, and make each decision with love
first in mind, then I will never look back with regrets even if future
wisdom reveals my present follies.

What is left to answer then is whether or not I really am savoring each
moment, and pursuing the things that are truly worthwhile.  I look around
and I see people that I don't know well, but could have an excellent
friendship with if I slowed down a bit.  Many lives that I could touch if I
was not so surrounded by this whirlwind.  Is it worthwhile then to carry on
at this pace?  To risk and pass up present opportunities for future ones? 
Perhaps I am not living for the moment, but just comparing and yearning in
a way that is different from others.  Or perhaps it is just not my time to
slow down.  Maybe tomorrow will be.

But then again, I live at this pace because I decided that I could help far
more if my career and circumstances were changed, and I am pleased with
being at this pace because I do not know how many days I have.  So perhaps
it is not a futile gesture at all, but merely a very extended period of
preparation.  I have to leave it in God's judgment whether or not this is a
worthwhile use of the time I have been provided.

Nevertheless, every day I pass up an opportunity to help I am torn by it,
and every day I see the promise of better things I am healed.

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