20th January 2025 - Conflicted Feelings
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A colleague in work died yesterday. It hit me harder than expected. 
This colleague, who I will refer to as G, is someone I have worked 
with for 12 years or so. G was my manager for many years and managing 
was not his forte. He was the sort who fixated on an idea and wouldn't 
listen once he had that idea. He is also the only person I have 
threatened with reporting to HR. Well, he shouted at me in front of 
others when if he would have listened, he would have the answers he 
wanted. I had a period of trying to frustrate him as revenge for the 
frustration he caused me. I was a knob at that time. Still am but not 
as vindictive. 

He also wanted the best technical soloution with the best business 
outcomes. He strove to maintain high standards and helped people reach 
them. Outside of work mode, he was an actual human who you could talk 
to and even have a laugh with. Learning to work with G lead me to 
explore Buddhism. Mostly to find ways to cope with his nonsense but 
every fire needs something to cause the initial spark. 

G helped me realise how I want to manage. He provided me with a great 
example of how not to do it and also how I could improve. I stopped 
working for him in 2018 and then I took over leading a project from 
him last year. He had matured and found a better way of working with 
others. I was shocked when he asked me why people didn't like working 
with him. Thankfully I was able to tell him last December that he was 
much nicer to work with. He also showed how you cannot force someone 
into a role. Forcing him to manage people was stupid as both parties 
got annoyed. However, he was great as a supporting specialist. He was 
free to mentor and get back into the technical fun work. I am keen to 
find the right role for people as a result. 

As ever, it is horrible when someone you know dies. He died at home 
and was found by a member of his family. It was a heart attack. 
Everyone is shocked as he was the sort to swim 50 laps twice a week 
and run miles regularly. However, death comes regardless of what you 
do to avoid it. 

If you asked me how I would have felt when G died, the response would 
likely to be glad. Instead I have been a touch teary and struggled in 
meetings. He is a polarising figure and I suppose I have grown as a 
person. Metta meditation does help. 

Sorry for those times I sent you into the stress position, elbows on 
the desk, head supported by your finger tips as you massage your 
temple. 

Thanks for being a mentor and supporting my growth as an engineer 
and a person.