(a customer walks in the door of the Japanese Ministry of
   Cybersecurity.)

   Customer: Good Morning.

   Owner/Minister: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Japanese National
   Cybersecurity Emporium, uh, Ministry.

   Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

   Owner/Minister: What can I do for you, Sir?

   C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Meiji dori just
   now, skimming through '[1]Secrets and Lies', by [2]Bruce Schneier, and
   I suddenly came over all peckish.

   O: Peckish, sir?

   C: Esuriant.

   O: Eh?

   C: 'Ee I were all 'ungry-like!

   O: Ah, hungry!

   C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little dose of InfoSec
   will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Schneier-ing activites, sallied
   forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the
   vending of some security comestibles!

   O: Come again?

   C: I want some Cybersecurity.

   O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

   C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of
   the Terpsichorean muse!

   O: Sorry?

   C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced to!

   O: So he can go on playing, can he?

   C: Most certainly! Now then, some Cybersecurity please, my good man.

   O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

   C: Well, eh, how about a little AI?

   O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of AI, sir.

   C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Multifactor Authentication?

   O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
   fresh on Monday.

   C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, facial biometrics, if you
   please.

   O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
   morning.

   C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, DDoS protection?

   O: Sorry, sir.

   C: User Behavioral Analytics?

   O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

   C: Ah. Forensics?

   O: Sorry.

   C: Access management? Monitoring?

   O: No.

   C: Any SIEM, per chance?

   O: No.

   C: Endpont Detection and Response?

   O: No.

   C: Encryption?

   O: No.

   C: IP Blacklist?

   O: No.

   C: Threat intelligence?

   O: No.

   C: Threat hunting?

   O: (pause) No.

   C: Social engineering?

   O: No.

   C: Penetration testing?

   O: No.

   C: Firewalls, ACLs, WAF, Proxies, IDS, IDP, A.V., Anti-Malware, file
   integrity checking, SSL?

   O: No.

   C: Incident response, perhaps?

   O: Ah! We have IR, yessir.

   C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

   O: Yessir. It's ah… it's a bit runny.

   C: Oh, I like it runny.

   O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

   C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la IR! Mmmwah!

   O: I…think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

   C: I don't care how f-ing runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

   O: Oooooooooohhh……..! (pause)

   C: What now?

   O: The cat's eaten it.

   C: (pause) Has he?

   O: She, sir.

   (pause)

   C: MD5 hash checking?

   O: No.

   C: User accounts?

   O: No.

   C: Deep inspection?

   O: No.

   C: IR badges?

   O: No.

   C: Japanese robotic sentry?

   O: No sir.

   C: You… do have some Cybersecurity, don't you?

   O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a Cybersecurity shop, sir. We've
   got-

   C: No no… don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

   O: Fair enough.

   C: Uuuuuh, Indicators Of Compromise.

   O: Yes?

   C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

   O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Indicature de
   Comprimize, that's my name.

   (pause)

   C: Pin?

   O: Uh, not as such.

   C: Uuh, passcode?

   O: No

   C: Pass phrase?

   O: No

   C: Fingerprint biometrics?

   O: No

   C: Mobile device management?

   O: No

   C: Phishing?

   O: No

   C: Hardware hacking?

   O: No

   C: Lock picking?

   O: Not -today-, sir, no.

   (pause)

   C: Aah, how about passwords?

   O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

   C: Not much ca-It's the single most popular bit of Cybersecurity in the
   world!

   O: Not 'round here, sir.

   C: (slight pause) and what, prey tell, IS the most popular bit of
   Cybersecurity 'round hyah?

   O: NFC, sir.

   C: Is it?

   O: Oh, yes! It's staggeringly popular in this country, squire.

   C: Is it?

   O: It's our number one best seller, sir!

   C: I see. Uuh… NFC, eh?

   O: Right, sir.

   C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer
   'no'.

   O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

   C: It's not much of a Cybersecurity shop, is it?

   O: Finest in the country sir!

   C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

   O: Well, it's so clean, sir!

   C: It's certainly uncontaminated by Cybersecurity.

   O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about palm biometrics, sir.

   C: Would it be worth it?

   O: Could be.

   C: Have you -SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!

   O: Told you sir…

   C: (slowly) Have you got any palm biometrics?

   O: No.

   C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest
   optimism to have posed the question in the first place……. Tell me:

   O: Yessir?

   C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any Cybersecurity here at all?

   O: Yes,sir.

   C: Really?

   (pause)

   O: No. Not really, sir.

   C: You haven't.

   O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir. I've
   never actually worked a computer.

   C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to (verbally reprimanded) you.

   O: Right-0, sir.

   C: What a senseless waste of human life.

   Thanks and apologies to Monty Python.
   Also on:

   [3]Twitter
     __________________________________________________________________

   My original entry is here: [4]A Security Tale in Japan (a.k.a. The
   Cheese Shop). It posted Sun, 18 Nov 2018 07:40:22 +0000.
   Filed under: business, culture,

References

   1. https://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Lies-Digital-Security-Networked-ebook/dp/B004UARVS0/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=1542535242
   2. https://www.schneier.com/
   3. https://twitter.com/prjorgensen/status/1064061837883465728
   4. https://www.prjorgensen.com/?p=2320