This is my public journal as opposed to my private journal. Here is where I express private thoughts that I don't mind sharing. Mostly, it's just a place where I don't focus on a subject, or share with any purpose. Nothing clever to say... 04-23-2026 My wife has asked me to leave. It was last week, and not the first time. I finally said okay. I know you'll wonder why she wants me to leave. It's complicated. I'll just say this: she doesn't love me. That's all. That's enough. I think it's obvious. I could say a ton more, but that's the bottom line that matters. It's a different kind of sorrow now. In less than a year, I've lost my aunt, my uncle, my father, my mentor. Now, my home of 15 years. My partner of 18 years. And my relationship with our 4 kids will be changed forever, and not the way I dreamed it. I used to make a lot of money. I diminished my business in order to spend more time with the kids, let my wife come home very late, and grow her career. So I have some financial stress as well. I have all sorts of positive things to say, positive outlooks for the future. But for this journal, I need to express what is bothering me, at least right now that's what I want to do. It would be easier if I could communicate with her. I've always had this problem. I do have a 160 IQ, and have always been very gifted, and I have always had others who had a kind of paranoia speaking or interacting with me, just because they knew that if I wanted to, I could say things they didn't understand, or make them feel small. Not that I did these things deliberately, but that I could. And in their defense, in their paranoia they neglected to understand that it is my intention that matters. It's just this way with my wife. She instantly disagrees, instantly takes the opposite opinion. She needs to stake her territory, and prove her self worth. There was a time when she was constantly trying to impress me. The thing is I can be impressed, but she never did. I think that hurt her. She never said anything that interested me. That is true. She's very ordinary, spends all her time staring at her phone, has no original opinions or thoughts. But I don't require that from her, and this even offended her- that I never required, nor expected it, yet at the same time, I'd love it. No, all I wanted was for her to be nice, to be fun, to be a good mom, and a good wife. I spend almost every spare moment I have trying to learn something. I read, code, study, watch, listen, play chopin on the piano. She stares at her phone. My thought was that I could never understand why she wanted to leave her country, her family, her happy life in France for me. You don't understand, I had a ton of baggage. 2 months clean from 13 years of heroin, and taking medically prescribed subuxone which I stayed on for 6 years. A 9 year old son who lives with me, and another son who I was fighing to get back. I didn't consider myself to be much of a catch. But I had a new business, made good money, rode a motorcycle, had my own place. I was a good dad, I was very loving, I was 11 years older. I was very affectionate, I could get jealous. I was adventurous, playful and exciting. And ego aside, I was good looking. And I realized recently, that I was the perfect catch, a good catch, one with enormous potential. And I have lived up to that potential, building the business, buying two homes, turning us into millionaires, and having 4 more kids. I'm tired now. I should work, but I need to take some time to gel. TV it is. Coding can wait to tomorrow. 04-04-2026 Evening It's so nice late at night all the kids asleep, I'm outside by the fire, smoking Hal O' the Wynd in my falcon. I hadn't smoked in a long time, but you never forget how. I had such a successful day programming. My language of choice is modern fortran as I mainly build post-processors for CNC machines. I was thinking back to when I started and got as far as putting out some nc code writing a post in python and how terrible it was. Such a confusing tangled mess to understand. I realized that if I ever needed to debug or make any major changes, I might as well start over. I'd written them in BASIC and similar, and that works well, but nothing beats fortran for numerical computing, portability, and ease of understanding the code. 04-04-2026 It's been a long while since I wrote in the public journal. I do write from time to time in my private journal. I can't attempt to tell everything I want to tell. I watched Hamnet the other day. I also read "The Double" this week by Dovstoevsky. Both have hit me quite hard. I am socially awkward. I do and think things like our hero. I would fall for the same traps. Would I be replaced and others be happy to do so? I feel they would in the back of my mind. I guess that thought has always persisted, along with a bit of the same paranoia. Would they lock me up? And throw away the key? Is that why the Final Cut is my favorite pink floyd album and why I listened to it almost constantly as a teenager? The moment in Hamnet when Agnes realized what was happening on stage - when the entire crowd seemed to...one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever seen in a movie. 10-29-2025 I am very happy this week because 1) my physical fitness is in peak form. 2) my spiritual life is in good form. 3) my family life is in good form. I am also very happy because one of my oldest friends gave me the source code to two 5-axis post-processors written in FORTRAN. It started as pure F77, and still is mostly F77, but over the years, Larry switched to using the PG Fortran compiler so basically all the variables are declared in non-FORTRAN standard syntax. This wouldn't be a problem if I could still get pgf95 for windows, but I'm having trouble getting the linux compiled code to work in windows. At any rate, it has always been the algorithms that interested me because I already write post-processors using other languages, though I am really considering writing one again from the ground up using FORTRAN as there is just something pure about it versus using BASIC or C and definitely not using python... Thinking of the distant future for when I retire and need a little scratch...and hoping there's still a need...it seems for whatever reason there is less and less need as smaller shops use CAM systems with built-in post-processors, or pay big bucks to big companies to build them. 09-18-2025 It is a bit of a conundrum when my unhappiness which occurs when I seem to perceive things I am taught are hurtful when others seem to express them to me - jealousy, competitiveness, unkindness, ingratitude, even hate - are hateful to me because I am perceiving only the worst part of them - their ego (which I believe is called satan in the bible), but it is hateful to me only because I am perceiving it with my own ego. Therefore, much like quantum physics, the act of my own observation is what changes the state of what I am observing, and also much like quantum physics, the observation I make after the fact (future) affects the state of what happened in the past. I wonder if the solution is to vigilantly refuse to participate in the collective "ego" which only can perceive things which separate us and make us unequal, and rather perceive only what is real. Which is complete and total equality, complete and total unity. It seems that perceiving the lie, makes the observer just as much of a liar by his/her participation in acknowledging what isn't even really happening. It is difficult, but this is the only way that I can be happy in my current situation. It requires a lot of me, and yet, it requires me to see truth, as there is no lie I can live which will give me peace. It is more mandatory to me because of my situation, yet even were I living in a perfect world, this would still be better. Win-win situation from a lose-lose. 08-16-2025 I woke up happy this morning. I am 6 hours north for a trans wedding. I do not have any trans friends and only know my niece who is trans. We are very close and talk generally at lest once a week. Although I do not like the idea of pronouns, and I don't (yet) believe in them as to me it is very bad english, and would be impossible in a language like french, in this journal entry I will use the pronouns for the sake of clarity. My niece and I are very close. Last night there was a pre-wedding party. I really enjoyed it and found myself surrounded by people who (contrary to my previous judgement - and I do believe that all judgements and perceptions are always, in the absolute form incorrect, was indeed incorrect) are very genuine. I frankly stated to all at my table that I had been very nervous about this event because I do not know any trans people, that I work alone for 20 years, am disconnected from the internet, deliberately isolated, no smart phone, and therefore ignorant about the subject, and don't even believe in it. The reaction was good. They were really willing and happy to answer questions. Conversation was really good. I am happy because I look forward to asking more questions, not just to challenge them, but to also challenge myself. So far, the answers only serve to prove my philosophy perfectly coexists with theirs, even thought they may seem at odds, each reinforces the other. My ideas make them smile, and their ideas make me smile. Not in condescension, but in agreement and joy. We shared love.