My burnout journey ==================


October 30th, 2025

I have not written anything for a long time now, but there is a
reason for that: my mental condition. Over the last six months,
I felt increasingly overwhelmed by workload. I noticed avoiding and
procrastinating tasks up to a point where I ran into problems with
my supervisors and cooperation partners.

Burnout is a common thing among academics. Working conditions
contribute to this, because it is difficult to work in such a way
that you don't take anything home with you. Overtime and weekend
work are not uncommon--all unpaid, of course--and the prospects of
becoming a professor are only good if you have regular, high-ranking
publications.

I did all that. But when I was invited to a hearing for a
professorship appointment, I had the same problems: I procrastinated
so much that I ended up preparing for the teaching demonstration
the night before the lecture. The usual practice is to be ready
weeks in advance and to rehearse, revise, and adapt all lectures
with colleagues. Not for me: I more or less winged it, which is
ridiculous for such a high-stakes situation.

Of course, I wasn't one of the candidates who came into question. My
teaching demonstration went down the drain, my research presentation
was okay but aimless and unstructured, and during the interview with
the appointment committee, I was calm and relaxed, but I didn't
give some of the usual answers because I simply forgot them. I
also found it increasingly difficult to stay on top of things in my
everyday life. In addition to procrastinating on work tasks, this
also became noticeable in my everyday life, where things started to
pile up. Later, other problems arose: I lost my enjoyment of work. I
accepted new projects that offered me short-term rewards without
thinking twice, but it turned out that I also had to see them through
to completion. This seemed endlessly tedious and laborious to me.

None of this was new to me, because I had exhibited similar behavior
as a student I put off studying for exams until the last minute,
especially if I wasn't particularly interested in the subject. My
grades were mediocre as a result. It was similar earlier on, at
school. My sixth-grade teacher noticed this: even at a time when
ADHD was hardly known, he suspected it and tried to bring it to
my parents' attention. But instead of having it checked out by a
specialist, I was dragged from one alternative practitioner to the
next, given ineffective sugar pills or osteopathic treatments. To
be fair, the teacher also was kind of an asshole on many other
occasions.

Fast forward to summer 2025. The psychologist did a lengthy interview
with me, including my childhood. The conclusion was: I, indeed,
have ADHD. Seems like my teacher was right after all. Now, to get a
psychiatrist appointment. I was pretty lucky with that. Normally,
waiting times for many specialists are ridiculous right now. Many
psychiatrists don't want to treat ADHD because this means a lot of
work in terms of bureaucracy, but also frequent meetings during
the first weeks of treatment. I managed to get an appointment
really quick. The psychiatrist was a young resident who was
exceptionally empathetic. She took an hour just to talk to me,
confirm the diagnosis, rule out some others and sent me off to my
GP again, so that he could make some additional tests (ECG, blood
work). After that, I got my Methylphenidate prescription.

So here I am, with a diagnosis that is considered to stay there
forever. But: the medication works amazingly well. Not only did
my focus and working memory improve, I have also gotten calmer,
more relaxed. I used to get upset by trivial matters, especially
in the evening when having dinner with the family. This was gone
in a matter of days. This blew my wife's mind. She has never seen
me this relaxed since we were students and the degree of focus she
observes me in is completely new to her.

There still are some things that I am working on. Having untreated
ADHD for over 30 years means that you make some pretty bad
experiences. You are in a constant discussion with yourself about
whether you are dumb and an imposter or just lazy and intelligent
enough to make up for it. Many people around you will ask themselves
similar questions. Stimulants won't cure the damage done to your
self-esteem, but at least give you a chance for a more realistic
view on your situation.

What it also can't cure is not loving your job. I like science,
but I increasingly hate academia and the more you rise through the
hierarchy, the less you will spend your working day actually doing
research. So I might quit my job.  I might even quit academia. Next
week, I have an interview with an independent research institute. It
is a job that pays well and is related to my interests.  Even if
I crawled through a pit of despondency, there is no way around the
good old Beckett quote:

>You must go on. I can't go on. I'll go on.