Nerd Humor If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. % "There are only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't." % nothing puts a smile on my face in the morning like a cup of coffee and a new MS exploit % To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion. % Friends don't help friends install MS junk. % Freedom of speech doesn't come with bandwidth. % All your booze are belong to us. % To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. % Homer Simpson on Windows NT: "Server goes up, server goes down. Server goes up, Server goes down..." % chown -R us your/*base* % Using the internet as it was originally intended... for the further research of pornography and pipebombs. % 0 1 - just my two bits % Stochastic algorithm seeks heuristic relationship % Want to Make $$$$ with your Computer? No Risk! Simply press shift-4 four times in a row % Internet Irony: www.noads.com [noads.com] % Ping Home... % There are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare. % -... --- .-. . -.. ..--.. % The plural of 'anecdote' is not 'data'. % My God, it's full of source! % I miss the good old days when the internet was hard to use. % Warning: Poster of this comment is a nerd. Just like everybody else here. % Yes, I've read the man pages. % Thanks to the Total Information Act, at least I know *one* person is reading my posts. Hi Mr. Poindexter! % Microsoft Palladium - Where the Hell do you think YOU'RE going today? % Give me a place to stand and a lever long enough and I will get sidetracked and watch ST:NG reruns % Dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with Windows(tm) % information wants to be two dollah! % "error in bathroom.pl... core dump." % Idiots, Every single one of YOU, A flaming mass of conglomerated morons, hey wait a second, isnt that how RAID works? % Why yes, I AM a rocket scientist! % Yes, of course it's the right cabl [le0: NO CARRIER] % WWJD? JWRTFM!!! % Beta: Greek for "still doesn't work." % Real programmers don't comment! / It was hard to write, It should be hard to read! % Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory.--Darth V. launches self-DoS % My hard drive is just a 4th-level-cache between the CPU and the Internet % "Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next % i have people skills, i deal with the damn customers. Can't you see that ? What's wrong with you people ? % God is real unless declared integer % 63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, ya get 1 whacked with a service pack, now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!! % Engineers are not boring people... we just get excited over boring things. % "If I wanted your input on this project, I'd stick my hand up your ass and use you like a sock-puppet." - Muse % C:\DOS. C:\DOS RUN. RUN DOS RUN % "whois awk?", sed Grep. % Wise man say: A skilled troll is a master baiter. % I came, I conquered, I coredumped % "Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have everyone else mirror it." -- Linus Torvalds % Not only does Jesus save, but he makes nightly off-site backups. % To mess up a Linux box, you need to work at it; to mess up a Windows box, you just need to work on it. % Thank you EULA, may I have another. % >80 column hard wrapped e-mail is not a sign of intelligent >life % Im sure glad my network runs on Windows!//hey it is pretty nice - i'm having a look around right now! % Who is this Cron Daemon guy, and why does he email me every month? % you should read everything on the internet as if it had "but I'm probably full of shit" appended to it. % A tautology is a thing which is tautological. % No trees were harmed in the posting of this message. However, many electrons were inconvenienced % The internet is my Crack, and I am it's whore. % You can't spell "SCO Sucks" without "SCO". % Jesus saves. Buddha makes incremental backups. % apt-get install deathstar && deathstar alderaan && echo "You're far too trusting" % A Mac guy says the user is in charge, and thinks it's a law of nature. Microsoft treats users as a renewable resource, to be used and reused as needed. We Unix types, on the other hand, know that users are an unfortunate side effect. % You could try the spam virus email and spam - there's not much spam in that... % Microsoft - Where would you like to go today, Maybe Jail? % chmod 700 your_sister % The difficulties nerds have with the world stem from the fact that not all problems can be solved by nerdery. % First they came for those who wanted more than 120 characters, but I did not speak out, because I did not want more tha % BeOS was the mutt's nuts % God is REAL! Unless explicitly declared INTEGER % DRM 'manages access' in the same way that jail 'manages freedom.' % Saying Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders. % Calling OSX secure is like calling the 2nd fattest girl in the bar "skinny". % FOSS is chess. Proprietary is poker, and you're the pokee. % The Commodore holds a lot of memories in only 64K. % I patented screwing your mom. But it got revoked for "prior art." % I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious. -Albert Einstein % DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. % Post may contain irony: discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea or elevated blood pressure. % ${YEAR+1} is going to be the year of Linux on the desktop! % Yea, though I walk through the valley in the shadow of hype, I shall fear no fanboy... % I'm going to create my own nerd website, with blackjack.. and hookers.. In fact, forget the site % Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups. % Web2.0: I love when people Flickr my cuil and digg my boingboing until my google is reddit and I start to yahoo % this great guy, bringing you +5, Funny posts since Jan 1, 1970 % OS X...because making UNIX friendly was easier than fixing Windows. % A pizza of radius z and thickness a has a volume of pi z z a % 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d % First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure. -- Douglas Adams. % Some people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems. --Jamie Zawinski, in comp.lang.emacs % The winner of the debate will be whoever appeals to the general public and doesn't alienate themself with overly strong opinions. Someone who recognizes strengths and weaknesses in all platforms and summarizes that, but puts a spin on their own favorite platform. % SIERRA TANGO FOXTROT UNIFORM % Why yes, I am an MS shill - I earned US$10 for this post alone! % sudo mod me up % Sit, Ubuntu, sit. Good dog. % Nerd rage is the funniest rage. % First they came for the sexually-active, but I didn't speak up because I'm a nerd. % My computer always used to beat me at chess, but it is no match for me since I changed the competition to kick boxing. % He who has no .plan has small finger. ~ Confuscious on UNIX % Message contains 1 attachment: spam.gif % "I only got as far as the 3 Arrs in pirate school..." % Yeah right. You know that, late at night, when all the other coders have gone home, after the custodian has come by his office...[Linus Torvalds] peeks out of his office to make sure the coast is clear...draws the blinds, locks the door...and he's dual booting, man, he's dual booting so hard. And it's wrong, but it feels so right. % Somebody ship[Torvalds, who called himself a 'technology whore'] a free Windows PocketPC phone and see whether he's a high-class technology escort, or a low-down crack technology whore. % And until Punch You In The Face over Ethernet (PYITFoE) is widely available, we will only ever scratch the surface of the rich tapestry of human interaction. % "One of the deep mysteries to me is our logo, the symbol of lust and knowledge, bitten into, all crossed with the colors of the rainbow in the wrong order. You couldn't dream of a more appropriate logo: lust, knowledge, hope, and anarchy." -Jean-Louis Gasse, Former Apple Computer, Inc. Executive % Shopkeeper: Take this computer, but beware: Windows carries a terrible curse. Customer: That's bad. Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of a free downloadable movie! Customer: That's good! Shopkeeper: The movies contain Digital Rights Management technology. Customer: [stares] Shopkeeper: That's bad. Customer: Can I go now? % Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta Echo Foxtrot Golf Hotel India Juliet Kilo Lima Mike November Oscar Papa Quebec Romeo Sierra Tango Uniform Victor Whiskey Xray Yankee Zulu % "And a bird, change you cannot." -- Yoda Skynard % This fevered ranting was generated randomly. Any resemblance to coherent thought is completely coincidental. % Knowledge = Power P= W/t t=Money Money = Work/Knowledge so the less you know the more you make % "Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the 6th century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland." - Unknown from Nov. 1998 issue of Infosystems Executive. % I don't need a million points of light, just two points of muti-mode fiber and a 10 Gig-E router % psmylie's dictionary: Godzillion (noun) Any number large enough to destroy Tokyo % That's a good look. Nothing says "sex appeal" like a portable WiFi browsing device in a belt holster. But there's no law that says everyone has to get laid, so go ahead. Be bold. % Only Captain Hindsight can save them now! % Don't think of it as a flame---it's more like an argument that does 3d6 fire damage % I judt got a nre Kinesis keybiartf so please excusr ant egregiou typos. % My security clearance is so high I have to kill myself if I remember I have it... % It's easier to water it down than it is to coffee it up % I'm sorry, I only accept criticism in the form of sed expressions. % A polar bear is a cartesian bear after a coordinate transform % The real problem with C++ for kernel modules is: the language just sucks. -- Linus Torvalds % Using "Fail" as a one-word rejection of something is unoriginal and idiotic. Real douchebags add "Epic" to it. % Theory: Web 1.0 was Sales, 2.0 was Sharing, 3.0 is Garden of Eden, making 4.0 to be Privacy Revolt % This is a hacked account, for which the owner can not be held responsible. % Schrodinger's lolcat: I can/can't has heizenberger % $DO || ! $DO ; try(); % BSD: free as in speech. GNU: free as in freedom. Microsoft: free as in +bittorrent. % alias plz=sudo % We built the internet one dialup account at a time % Do daemons dream of electric sleep()? % vi ~/.emacs # I'm probably going to Hell for this. % Your code makes baby Jesus cry. % -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- 12345 -----END PGP SIGNATURE----- % A million lemmings can't be wrong % It says 'My Computer' because Bill think putting his software on it makes it his. Explains a lot. % Other than the fact Linux has a cool name, could someone explain why I should use Linux over BSD? No. That's it. The cool name, that is. We worked very hard on creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it certainly paid off ... -- Linus Torvalds % Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity. % Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. % PowerPoint allows speakers to pretend that they are giving a real talk, and audiences to pretend that they are listening. -- Edward R. Tufte, The Cognitive Style of PowerPoint % Firefox 3.6 was the last of the good versions of Firefox, back when it was the little browser that took on the big bad IE. Now it is sucking Chrome's cock while getting it up the ass from IE while Opera films it and Safari faps to it. % I'd like Altair to make a tablet. No more of this glass sheet crap, give me about 50 toggle switches and blinking lights. % Alex, I'll take keybindings not used by Emacs for $400.... % Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. -- Gene Spafford % Now all we need if for google to buy ReactOS and bitchslap MSFT silly by making a Windows desktop that runs better than what they are gonna be pushing in oct. The irony would be so sweet i'd probably become diabetic. % grep -iw skynet /etc/services % There are 0x40000000 types of people, those who understand 32-bit IEEE 754 floating point, and those who don't. % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me for decades and I must be a certified Microsoft specialist. % I added pulseaudio_sux = yes to /etc/pulse/daemon.conf % Everyone wants to save Hitler's brain, but as soon as you put it in the body of a shark you've suddenly gone too far! % Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. % I read TFA and all I got was this lousy cookie % Is that you or the spyware typing? don't answer, you'll choke on Bill G's nutsack. % To be, to be or not to be?" -- 0x2B + (0x2B | ~0x2B) = 0x2B + 0xFF = 43 + (-1) = 42 % grape - the GNU free, open source rape % 1999-2000 called. They want their clichéd opinion of Windows back. Hold on, I've got 1997 on the other line. I think they want their meme back. % To synergize our leveragables into a new cloud based paradygmn, we'll need a new solutions oriented IT team to create some actionables to create a win-win in reducing internal friction and increase efficiencies to enable the monetization of our empowered workforce. % (Insert image of Edsger Dijkstra surveying our burnt-out CloudPad 2.0 PHP/C++/Javascript cyberjungle with a single tear.) % Apple: "There's no option for that" Microsoft: "There used to be an option for that" Linux: "There's an option for that, go code" Google: "There's an option for that, it'll cost every stitch of privacy" Mozilla: "Me too! (Not Responding)" % Sometimes it's fun to feed the trolls - it's a pleasure knowing there's someone out there who's stupider than you. % God said, "div D = rho, div B = 0, curl E = -@B/@t, curl H = J + @D/@t," and +there was light. % UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would +also stop you from doing clever ones % All the roads lead to Microsoft, but none lead out % SATA, SATA2, SATA3, ..., SATAN % The most told lie in the history of the world: "I have read and agree to the EULA" % Ralph's Rule: "There is no technology so poorly conceived, so inconsistent, so aesthetically offensive, or so woefully untouched by theory that it will not see widespread adoption in the Web community." -- Ralph Beckett (Slashdot Reader) % Being both tedious and stupid, Twitter is the perfect communications medium for the modern corporation. % Remind me again, why I don't use TumbPinTwitBookSpace. % No, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that Windows 8 was built on a old Indian burial ground. - Thud457 % Watch for Penguins, they eat Apples and throw rocks at Windows. % Other Things People Thought Were "Jokes" 1. a portable music player without wireless and less space than a nomad 2. an online store that holds all your credit card info so you can buy something with a single click 3. a messaging system that limits messages to 140 characters 4. a web site where you make public in all the personal info needed to stalk you, burglarize your house, or sink your career, including what you are doing and when and where you are doing it, plus who all your friends are 5. an encyclopedia that anyone can edit 6. a web site that sells coupons worth $40 for $20 and the store gets only $10 7. an online game where you pay real money for virtual things in the game or to give to your "friends" 8. a new personal computer where the software is only available from a single store and there is no porn 9. a self balancing scooter % (about Ubuntu including Amazon search by default, and how a nerd can always just uninstall it): That's like saying if someone shits in your bed you can always wash your bedding. The fact is that they shit in your bed. % Been doing this shit for money since 1995. - Cisco/unix/vSphere/Windows/OS X geek % There is madness in my methods. % It is my understanding, though, that Windows Phones now have achieved five-nines uptime, running properly 9.9999% of the time. % Pull my finger for my public key % My theory is that we all have a Stallman Point, a spot on the spectrum of the slide away from personal computing freedom where we just can't calmly stand around and watch folks push things further the wrong way. It looks to me like Linus just hit his with this "SecureBoot" crapola. -- T.E.D. % Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 % Slashdot: where Don Knuth is an idiot because he can't grasp the awesome power of PHP % Now with 67.3% more dubious numbers than traditional advertising copy! % Freedom of choice means you have some work to do. % You can't be ahead of the curve, if you're stuck in a loop. % Sent from the iPad I found in your car. % vi + /etc over regedit any day of the week. % On the other hand, a Dvorak keyboard layout is an excellent defense against people borrowing your computer during lunch. I highly recommend it for this purpose, if for no other reason. -- Michael Lucas % Microsoft: "For you the day your servers all went down simultaneously was the most important day of your life, but for us it was Tuesday." % Not sure if trolling or just retarded... % Firefox is being run into the ground by idiots that want it to be Chrome - but Chrome already IS Chrome. % I could tell you a joke about UDP ... but you might not get it. % An enigma, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in bacon and cheese % With apologies to Theodore Geisel: Ode to Dropbox: I do not want your new dropbox I will not try with FireFox I will not have it in my house I will not click it with my mouse I do not want it on the train I cannot use it on the plane My data is not here or there My data could be anywhere! My data is my own and so I do not want this, CEO. % It's free they say, if you can get it to run, the geeks say `hey, that's half the fun', but I've got a girlfriend and things to get done, the Linux OS sucks. - Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie, "Every OS Sucks" http://www.deadtroll.com/ % [ ] Check this box to end your abject humiliation. % The Internet, a sort of ersatz counterfeit of real life. -- Janet Street-Porter, BBC2, 19 March 1996 % brandelf -t FreeBSD /brain % Every time people combine the words "desktop" and "innovation" I reach for the revolver. % Every time you mod me down to punish me for saying something slightly critical of Apple you prove my conspiracy theory. % I tried to buy music from itunes, got locked out of a song that disappeared from my phone. Got married and enabled "home sharing" only to find that I could install wife's songs on my phone, but they would not play. Switched to android and found that I could not convert the nonencrypted AAC songs into 128kmp3s w/o paying $20 for a converter. So I downloaded the very same songs I'd bought. Bought books from Google books only to find that I have to install a special bloated version of adobe to read the files... which they failed to mention that they we selling me a PDF. I've all but given up on trying to get things correctly. They make the hurdles just too high. % First the NSA came for, well, jeez pretty much everybody's data at this point, and I said nothing because wait how does this joke work -- Parker Higgins % Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. % The Apple puck mouse thinks that Slashdot Beta is painful and unusable. % Hardware eventually fails. Software eventually works. % Benchmarking your computer against Crysis is like seeing how much feces your new blender can handle. % If Unicorns shit fonts, it would be KristenIFC % Windows is to computing like Beta is to Slashdot % Man is the lowest-cost, 150-pound, nonlinear, all-purpose computer system which can be mass-produced by unskilled labor. -- NASA in 1965 % There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure % Linux has always been the equivalent of a discussion forum with opinions expressed in code. Everyone has an opinion about Technology X/Y/Z, often strongly held. But you can't make a usable desktop OS out of opinions. You need a big-picture long-term strategy. There doesn't seem to be a lot of that in most of distro world. Server Linux has done better because the problem space is (kind of...) smaller and better defined, so strategies and innovations have appeared, and there are clear goals to work towards. Consumer Linux is like a military campaign advancing in all directions. Everyone is working on something, but - beyond development for development's sake - it's not at all obvious why. % An exemplary researcher, a physicist who became an engineer’s engineer, Willis lived in that sweet spot where the best technical work is always done, at the intersection of skill, experience, training and intuition,” % Windows treats sysadmins better than users. Macs treat users better than sysadmins. Linux treats everyone like sysadmins. % As I like to remind, "interactive" is a synonym for "manual." % Freedom of choice means you've got some configuring to do, buster. %