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Something Has to Change
March 31st, 2021
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I am taking this little moment as a breath, as a pause.  A
fermata in the pulse of ticking time.

I am tired.  It took me too long to realize just how tired I
am.  Tired from the politics of work, from equipment that I
thought reliable but failed, from dealing with other
people's problems, from the state of the world the past few
years.

There is a weight to this tiredness that is infinite and
intangible.

Part of this weight is a choice, because anyone who is ever
tired has a choice.  Sometimes these choices are poor, but
we should recognize that we still have them.

I can make a choice to change my mental state, my physical
state, the rhythms of my own life.

I need to spell this out clearly for myself because I get
stuck in mental ruts with negative thoughts which breed more
negative thoughts.

The sort of thoughts that keep me from doing what I love.
Thoughts that lock me in and reinforce the rut that I find
myself in.

I am lucky in that I have moments where I become
"extra-vagrant"; I glimpse myself from a third eye detached
from my body.  And I see a sine wave from bliss to
suffering, over and over, postive to negative to positive, a
line drawn over time.

A line that I can easily trace with my thumb from my notes,
from my feelings, from the pictures and memories that I have
collected over my life.

If you're reading this and find yourself tired just as I am,
I hope that you also possess "extra-vagrant" abilities, or a
journal, or friends that help you see the rut.

It's easy to accept the line as-is.  Especially to let the
weight press you down without helping hands to lift it.

But I can make a change.  Change is anything but the
tiredness and weight that I feel now.

How can I be so sure I can make that change, you ask?

Because I know that a fermata is not the final pause, but
anticipatory to something new.