2025-02-26 - Healing The Guru Curse by Mischa Byruck
====================================================
I met a woman at a facilitator training a few years ago. She was in
tears because she was about to quit the environmental activist
organization for which she was a loyal volunteer.
The problem? The head of the organization, a man in his mid-forties,
had started sleeping with a young woman who had recently joined up to
volunteer.
Was their relationship abusive? I asked. No, she said. Not at all.
They both seemed happy. And besides, at this organization volunteers
and organizers routinely partied together and slept with each other.
But there was now a dynamic in the organization that she simply
couldn't abide. She felt unsafe, a clenching in her stomach that was
all the more troublesome because she couldn't fully rationalize it.
The other members of the organization felt the same as she did:
everyone was uneasy, but they couldn't say why: after all, who were
they to challenge anyone's sexual decisions? The relationship was
consensual, but it was destroying the organization.
My Story
========
I'm a men's sexual integrity coach. I support my clients to turn
their biggest sexual and relational missteps into opportunities for
growth. I'm an education and accountability partner for Bonobo
Network, the Bay Area's premiere sex-positive community organization,
Bloom, the dating app for edge-of-culture communities, and the
Consent Academy.
Over the past 5 years I've worked with over a hundred men 1:1, most
of them leaders in their communities, supporting them in the
grinding, complex, and multifaceted journey of accountability. Often,
they're able to shift old patterns, repair with the people they've
harmed, and return to their communities better, safer, and wiser.
My focus has increasingly become on working with CEO's, organizers,
teachers, and thought leaders, who, when they fuck up around sex,
create exponentially more harm. I'm talking here about rape and
assault, yes, but also all the other more common forms of sexual
harm: misuse and abuse of power around sex, betrayal, cheating,
harassment, slander, emotional endangerment, and a myriad of other
more subtle energetic violations and transgressions.
I'm also often called in to support leaders who haven't committed
"transgressions," at all, but rather, as in the example above, have
"disrupted the field" in the spaces and communities they are in
charge of, by the WAY they have conducted their sexual lives. This
too is a form of sexual harm.
I got into this work because I too have caused harm with my
sexuality; misreading cues, misattuning, moving too fast, and failing
to recognize my power and influence in ways that have caused harm.
I've seen firsthand both how prevalent sexual harm is, and also, more
hopefully, how preventable so much of it can be.
And I am driven, as are so many of my fellow sex and consent
educators, sexual harm advocates, restorative justice practitioners,
and counselors, by a vision of a sexually liberated society that
holds accountability as its core value.
I also personally practice all the tools I'm going to describe today.
To begin with, I welcome any feedback and commit to receiving it with
gratitude and non-defensiveness. If you think I'm dangerous and want
to warn others, I invite you to report me via my website to my
external accountability supervisors: Angel Adeyoha, the head of
Folsom Street Fair (The largest leather and kink event in the world)
and Marcia Baczynski, the author of Creating Consent Culture.
Acknowledging Trauma
====================
Before I begin, I'd like to first take a moment to acknowledge anyone
who carries sexual trauma, especially the people that my clients have
harmed.
Those who have lost sleep, tossing and turning with the image of my
clients in their heads. Those who have been forced to leave the room
when my clients have entered, who have been abandoned by their
friends because my clients were more popular or more powerful. Who
have experienced fear and pain during sex as a result of my clients'
actions. Those who have shed tears of rage at the impunity with which
my clients move through the world.
Thank you.
The Evolution of the "#MeToo Men"
=================================
The prominent men called out through the #metoo movement were
originally in mainstream industries and large institutions: film,
news, politics and business. But #metoo has also seen the heads of
some counter-cultural organizations, and in particular, organizations
focused on sex themselves, brought to task for misusing their power
around sex.
The Neotantra schools Source Tantra and Agama yoga, Bay area
sex-positive communities Interchange and Organ House, Sex-forward
company One Taste, and The Center for Consciousness Medicine, and the
International School of Temple Arts (Currently a client), have all
been impacted by accusations of assault and abusing power around sex.
And this is to say nothing of the dozens of called-out sex educators,
polyamory experts, and authors, as well as the hundreds of
sex-positive dance collectives, polyamory communities, communes,
group houses, and other intentional spaces that have been torn apart
by sexual harm.
Often, the harm we see in these communities does not look like
assault or rape; but rather the diminishment of trust created by
leaders who seem unaware of both power and trauma, and how the two
can interact to create harm.
I call this the Guru Curse.
> The Guru Curse: the perceived inevitability that subcultural male
> teachers and leaders will do harm around sex.
Sex-Positive Spaces and Their Leaders
=====================================
Sexual harm is pervasive across the world, but it is worse when it
occurs in sex-positive spaces, and exponentially worse when the
leaders are the ones causing it.
I'm talking about the organizers, figureheads, directors, and
educators at yoga retreats, dance events, tantra schools, swingers
clubs, activist conclaves, Techy co-living spaces, kink dungeons,
transformational growth conferences, polyamory groups, psychedelic
journeying communities, and, of course, large-scale counter-culture
events like concerts and festivals.
Spaces that celebrate kink, queerness, and alternative sexual
expression (From nudity to orgies) are, for many, a refuge from a
mainstream world that has told those of us who love them that we're
NOT OK: Too loud, too weird, too slutty.
We come to these spaces to find acceptance, to seek pleasure, and to
free ourselves from the shame-based repression of our forebears. We
come to feel safe!
*And when we come, it is often from a place of scarcity, hunger, or
vulnerability.*
> To be in a sex-positive space is to take risks, with our bodies,
> our insecurities, our triggers, our traumas, and our reputations.
> And we put the energetic burden of these risks onto the organizers
> of such spaces. We rely on them to keep us safe, from others, from
> themselves, and even from ourselves.
>
> So when sexual harm happens within these kinds of spaces, it's
> often even more disappointing, and more harmful, than it is in the
> mainstream world. And when the leaders of these spaces are the ones
> doing harm, the disappointment is magnified into betrayal. Trust is
> shattered, communities reel, and everyone points fingers.
>
> Spaces where sex is welcome require new tools for leaders. And...
> these tools EXIST! Right now they're being developed by hundreds of
> communities figuring out how to love each other more safely.
A Moment of Empathy
===================
Before I go any further, I want to invite you into an exercise.
I invite you to imagine my clients. They're all men, and almost all
in positions of leadership. At times they have been creepy,
repeatedly bothered women, pushed for sex, ignored or steamrolled
past soft no's, been sexually aggressive, and sometimes directly
violated consent.
Are you imagining them?
Good.
Now, if you're willing, please pause and turn your attention to
yourself. And to a time that you harmed someone, maybe even around
sex or love.
Recall, if you're willing, the feelings of guilt and shame you
experienced. The fear of being discovered, the fear of being the
villain, the fear that you're a bad person. Remember the deeper
shadows too: the resentment towards the person you harmed, the
excuses you made, the rationalization and defensiveness and
denial.
Now think of someone seeing you do this, and drawing the WORST
possible interpretation, creating a story about you that disregards
the context, that flattens nuance, and that denies you the benefit of
the doubt. Imagine how hard they would judge you.
Take a deep, slow breath.
And now, I invite you to soften. To see the humanity of my clients as
you would want people to see your own. To see their pain and their
vulnerability, their vast complexity. I invite you to see that we are
all swimming in the same muddy waters that create entitlement and
insecurities and traumas and harm. We are all capable of harming
others.
Thank you.
On Accountability
=================
And thanks for sticking with me so far.
I talk a lot about accountability, but it's a misunderstood term. The
most elegant definition I've found comes from Danielle Sered, the
founder of Common Justice, one of the most prominent restorative
justice organizations in the world. She writes:
> "Often, people who recognize the harms caused by punishment seek to
> replace it with mercy. (Yet) mercy alone often fails to acknowledge
> the suffering of those harmed or to take seriously the
> responsibility of those who caused that pain... Accountability
> offers both of these. ... True accountability ... is a set of
> actions as equal and opposite as possible to the wrongful actions
> committed by the person who caused harm. It is the active exercise
> of power in the opposite direction of harm; as such, it is a force
> for healing."
The vision I mentioned earlier, of a sexually liberated society that
holds accountability as its core value, was originally articulated by
intersectional feminist pioneers like bell hooks and Audre Lorde, and
prison abolition movement thought leaders like adrienne maree Brown,
Mia Mingus, and Shira Hassan. It is a vision also influenced by the
Harm Reduction movement (Think needle exchanges and
decriminalization), the mythopoetic men's movement, organizations
like Evryman and Sacred Sons, and experts on supporting men's
transformation in a Patriarchal society like Terrence Real.
> Sex-positive leaders need a unique set of tools to lead with
> safety, and chief among these is the skill of accountability,
> rooted in a new understanding of the way that sex and power
> interact.
Power-Imbalanced Sex
====================
In my exploration of the harm that leaders do with sex, I've been
particularly inspired by the pioneering work of Oxford Philosophy
professor Amia Srinivasan, who writes about the ways that
power-imbalanced sex can be consensual but also systemically
damaging.
It's often the case that my clients are not violating consent at all,
but rather are neglecting their responsibilities as leaders, in ways
that lead to broader harm. The sex is consensual for the people
having it; but the people AROUND it are harmed. This insight runs up
against the common understanding, embedded incredibly deeply in all
facets of our liberal society, that "all's fair in love and war," and
that no one should ever question what "two consenting adults" are
doing.
So let's go back to that environmental activist organization. When
the executive director started sleeping with the new woman, here are
a few of the dynamics that began to play out within the collective:
Some of the people in the organization experienced jealousy of the
leader's new lover. Others began to realize their leader had now
become their romantic competition. Either way, many began to question
his ability to make impartial judgments about assigning
responsibilities and found themselves vigilantly ensuring that his
new lover wasn't receiving extra privileges or cushy assignments.
Others, especially the femmes, started to feel like prey: was sex and
flirtation now expected of them to get ahead in this organization?
There was resentment at being forced to wonder each morning before
coming in to volunteer: how much makeup should I put on? Am I now
being judged by how much I sexually appeal to our director? For
others, a more protective instinct kicked in: They feared the young
woman would be hurt, and then discarded, and their mistrust in their
leader grew.
All of a sudden, their workplace had somehow become centered on their
leader's love life: Will this relationship work out? What if they
break up? Will she be forced to leave? They didn't want to stand in
judgment of the way he dated, but it was unavoidable.
Some now found it harder to trust their leader to deal with other
sex-related harms fairly. After all, after displaying such ignorance
about the impact of his own sexual choices, how could he be trusted
to adjudicate fairly if one employee harmed another, especially if
the harm involved sex?
New questions emerged: Is this community a sexual free-for-all? A
meat market in which those with the most power have their choice of
those with the most conventional beauty? And in which the youngest
and conventionally prettiest have the most direct access to power,
through sex? And, if that's true, doesn't this belie the progressive
vision that brought us all together in the first place?
None of these questions were named, and none of them answered, and in
that silence, the people in the organization started to lose trust in
their leader. Their story became: "he's just here for his own
benefit: taking his pick of the women, and he'll discard this one
like he did his last girlfriend."
Soon the story became still worse, "Since our leader is willing to
incur the inevitable emotional fallout when he dumps this young woman
for the next one, it's clear that he doesn't care about hurting us,
the people who have placed our trust in him."
And so, the space was disrupted. There was infighting and gossip, and
everyone could feel the tension. Yet because the culture was supposed
to be sex-positive, and the relationship was clearly consensual, no
one even brought it up to him. And the leader, blind to the dynamics
he was creating, and convinced of his right to date whoever he
wanted, didn't shift course or examine his actions in context.
The parties continued, but they had a different energy now. People
began to analyze the leader's every move. The affectionate hugs and
flirtations that had previously felt endearing now appeared sinister.
People were on guard, unable to relax, and distracted from the work
they were there to do. The harm had been done. And so they began to
leave.
> The three lessons I take from this story, and the many, many others
> like it that I've heard, are these:
>
> First, power-imbalanced sex often hurts the people around it, even
> if those involved are consenting.
>
> Second, harm and distrust within sexual space quickly becomes
> pervasive without a studious awareness of how power and sex
> interact.
>
> And third, people's sense of comfort, safety and trust in a
> sex-positive space comes, first and foremost, from the knowledge
> that the leaders of that space will prioritize the health of the
> collective over their individual desires.
What Works?
===========
We're coming to the meat of my talk, which is all about the ways that
leaders in sex-positive spaces can create cultures of accountability
to reduce sexual harm.
Fortunately, I've been blessed to see many examples of power-aware,
trauma-informed, and joy-inducing leadership in sex-positive spaces.
These leaders aren't perfect, but they tend to have in common the
following skills:
* They navigate their power in a way that takes EVERYONE into account.
* They don't get defensive when they get called out.
* They know how to take accountability when they fuck up.
* They proactively seek out feedback.
* They have someone they are accountable to.
* They are open about past harms.
* They have their own set of rules that govern their actions, and
which make sense for them.
These leaders, and their communities, tend to be FAR more resilient
than those that indulge in the conceit that the only kinds of sexual
harm to care about are aggravated rape and assault, or that sexual
harm is only done by bad people; who insist on good-vibes only, who
deflect anyone who raises hard topics as an annoyance, or, on the
flipside, who are so unwilling to hold the complexities of harm that
they immediately eject anyone who may have done some.
Three skills
============
Let's dive into the first of these three skills a bit more.
Power-Literacy
--------------
When I say power, I'm talking about formal power like being the boss,
or the landlord, but also identity-based power through race, class,
gender, and ability, as well as more abstract privileges like beauty,
charisma, or confidence. I'm also talking about the power of not
holding as much trauma in your body as the person across from you,
and contextual power like social rank: being the most educated person
in the room, having a great reputation, having lots of friends,
having access to the drugs or the knowledge or the wisdom that's
elevated in the space.
> And what I've seen is that it's not the presence of power that
> creates problems; it's the delusional conceit that power's not
> there. That the boss shouldn't have to act any differently just
> because he's the boss; that the most experienced person in the room
> shouldn't have to show restraint; that the party host need not
> exercise additional discernment.
I can't tell you how many times I've seen good-looking, well-off,
charismatic, influential straight, cis, white men who are genuinely
shocked that they held so much INFLUENCE over the people around them!
Shocked that people might be dramatically impacted by even their most
offhand remarks! And humbled by the way that others, in sex, might
defer to them, silently accept their desires, and avoid disappointing
them even as they cause harm. (I have been this man, many times)
Strong leaders, however, tend to understand power well: they have a
sense of where their own insecurities and "blind spots" lie, and of
where they might inadvertently intimidate others. They make it a
habit to correct for the power differentials where they can, and not
to take advantage of them when they can't.
One way they defang power is simply by acknowledging it, which
establishes trust and fosters connection by creating a shared
reality.
These leaders can name the power dynamics at play when it's called
for, and they do so gracefully and skillfully, sometimes out loud, to
create a safer environment around them. Here's what it looks like:
"I recognize that it might be challenging to critique me since I'm
the organizer of the march, so I really appreciate any thoughts
you're willing to share."
"I'm the head of the organization that many of you work for, so I'm
not going to be the one in charge of distributing drugs, as that can
create an obligation dynamic which is dangerous in a sexual context."
Non-Defensiveness
-----------------
Leaders I admire invite feedback by demonstrating that when they get
it, they will respond with grace and humility, and a serious
commitment to change, rather than shutting down the person who
corrected them, appeasing and then ignoring them, or going into
denial or deflection.
Defensiveness is particularly destructive in a leader because it
signals to everyone that there's no willingness to change; that
critique will be received as attack. It's already immensely
uncomfortable to speak truth to power; but knowing that giving you
feedback will result in anger radically reduces the likelihood that
anyone will tell you anything.
> Honestly, it's an accepted trope among my colleagues in sexual harm
> prevention that the WAY someone reacts to being told they caused
> harm tells us most of what we need to know.
Effective leaders practice non-defensiveness by seeking our feedback
about even the tiniest offences and treating that feedback seriously.
It can look as simple as: "Thank you for telling me that I negatively
impacted you. I'm going to take some time to process this."
I recently worked with a major sexuality educator who had a pattern
of propositioning his teaching assistants. Before he found me, he
turned what could have been a relatively small course correction into
a multi-year-long-ordeal because he was so resistant and defensive
when his assistants, and eventually, others in his community, told
him that he was doing harm. When he finally did come to me we zeroed
in on developing this skill, and he finally "got it." He's since
returned to teaching with a rigorous rule against such flirtations,
and a much thicker skin. He now receives even the saltiest feedback
with seriousness, equanimity, and gratitude, which of course, sets
everyone around him at ease.
Accountability
--------------
Have you ever seen someone who was told they did harm (Maybe it was
you) whose immediate reaction made the whole thing 10 times worse?
Of course you have. And it doesn't have to be denial, deflection,
gaslighting. I've seen plenty of public mea culpas that cause more
harm, further erode trust, and create more drama.
One of the MOST fundamental skills, perhaps the most fundamental, is
to know how to take accountability, restore integrity, and
communicate a genuine apology to people you've harmed and to the
community you're in charge of.
For leaders this means making private and public statements that name
the harm, acknowledge the impact, and list specific, actionable
things that they're doing to prevent similar harm in the future.
> I harmed you, it was selfish.
>
> I harmed you, and I could have done better.
>
> I could have wielded my power more consciously, but instead I chose
> to pursue my own agenda.
>
> I disrespected you and the community I serve.
>
> It was wrong. I'm sorry.
>
> And here's what I'm doing to prevent it from happening again.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is that leaders be able to
take accountability well. If the choice was between learning this
skill and having an official code of conduct, taking a consent
course, and bringing in an outside legal consultant, I would
recommend this. Any system or process can be dodged, any rule can be
danced around, and any course material can be ignored, if the energy
of accountability is not present.
Four Tools
==========
So far so good, right? Navigate power well, don't get defensive, and
know how to apologize!
But smart leaders of sex-positive spaces go beyond skills: they
deploy specific social technologies to mitigate their impact and
convey a sense of safety and trust to the people they are responsible
for.
The External Supervisory Structure
----------------------------------
The first of these technologies is the voluntary supervisor.
Many of the leaders I work with exist outside formal power
structures. They don't have bosses, they work in unregulated
industries like coaching or psychedelic-assisted therapy, or they're
the heads of informal and underground communities. There's no
built-in accountability at all!
And the smart ones know that, just being able to point out power
dynamics isn't enough--No matter how many courses they take and books
they read, there are perspectives and insights they'll miss.
This is where voluntary supervisors come in.
Basically, a leader finds someone they respect, ideally with
identities and backgrounds distinct from their own, and, essentially,
RELINQUISHES some of their power and autonomy to them. (In the same
way that many therapists have supervisors or nonprofit executive
directors have oversight boards)
These VOLUNTARY SUPERVISORS are people they check in with regularly
to review challenging situations. But they're not just advisors; they
have the power to tell a leader to stop organizing events, pause
teaching or working with clients, withdraw from leadership roles,
take specific areas of work off their plate, implement specific
policies in their organization, take supplemental classes, get into
therapy, stop drinking, and take a break from attending high-risk
social events or engaging in high-risk sexual activities.
For example: A rabbi I know is a single man, recently divorced, and
actively dating. When he started at his current rabbinical post he
immediately secured an ethics advisor who he meets with twice a month
to review his dating life and ensure he's managing his power and
influence wisely and for the good of the community. Amazing!
The Public Call for Experiences
-------------------------------
The next one is all about seeking out feedback proactively. It's the
Call for Experiences.
It looks like this: A leader makes an announcement requesting that
anyone who's had an experience with him share it with a small group
of people, ideally respected leaders with diverse backgrounds. That
group then gets together, reviews the responses, and identifies
patterns that they then relay back to the leader in a way that is
completely anonymous.
This kind of process is often part of a larger "accountability
process" for someone after they've done harm, but it doesn't have to
be! It can just be a proactive one. It's a useful way to demonstrate
an interest in understanding your own patterns. I've done it, and
it's definitely scary, but it's doable, and becoming more common.
An example of this is one man I recently worked with who had gotten
kicked out of a number of his communities, and was being prevented
from starting his own. So he paused, stepped back, and launched a
public call for experiences. I worked with some of his community
members to summarize the feedback, and, after six months of work on
himself based on the feedback of over a dozen people, he was able to
put out a public restoration and shift some of the ways he was
acting. He was authentically repentant, repaired where he could, and
his bravery in self-examination earned him back a lot of the trust
he'd lost. He reintegrated into his communities and set a positive
example for hundreds of others!
Preemptive Disclosure
---------------------
One of the most powerful ways to lead is by letting business
partners, students, podcast hosts, volunteers, colleagues and others
in your orbit or who are staking their reputation to yours, know
about harm you've done, especially in your recent past.
* I've seen teachers who include this in an upfront statement before
they start a class or workshop: "I caused harm last year, and was
in a process about it, and this is what happened.:"
* I've seen participants at burning man who joined a new camp and
proactively let their camp lead know about having done harm in a
previous camp.
* I've seen therapists who let prospective clients know about a past
breach of integrity, and how they handled it.
Now, sharing anything about your past is always a controversial
decision. It's a legal liability, and in many situations can be
dangerous to your reputation. That said, I've also seen people keep
the skeletons hidden and have it came back to bite them--they apply
and then get turned down for jobs, housing, and communities, even
after years, because of the rumors they never proactively addressed.
This isn't a one-size-fits-all all practice. None of these are. Every
situation is different, and they all require human connection,
relationality, and conversation.
Personalized policies, rules, and standards
-------------------------------------------
The last area to address is how leaders go about ensuring, as I
described before, that they are placing the health of the collective
over their individual desires.
The most basic and obvious way, of course, is for leaders to abstain
from sex with anyone they're in any way a leader of. But that can get
complicated, if for no other reason than that sexual repression tends
to breed abuse.
So the most creative leaders come up with their own standards, based
on recognizing their own patterns and weak spots.
* One person I know has a consistent practice of asking peers to
review a potential sexual connection for negative potential impact
before engaging in it.
* One man I know, a prominent head of a sex party organization, has a
rule of never hooking up with anyone who's been around for less
than a year. (This one might have been supportive at that
environmental nonprofit)
* A woman I know has the rule of thumb that she doesn't share sexual
energy with anyone who still sees her as a leader or influencer
first, rather than a whole-ass human.
* Some people's rule is simply never to initiate first.
* Others never combine sex with drugs.
* Still others use a waiting period: 3, 6, 12 months before hooking
up with anyone they've had power over.
These rules might sound arbitrary or inadequate, but people are
complicated, and they tend to BREAK rules imposed on their sexual
freedom, especially by others.
What works is for leaders to develop a deep sense of their own
integrity, to understand the power they have over others, and to use
that understanding to drive their accountability practices.
Towards our Sex-Positive Future
===============================
We've talked about how easy it is for leaders to harm within
sex-positive spaces, and some of the ways that smart leaders are
adjusting their practices to reduce harm and role model
accountability.
We're nearing the end, and I'm so grateful to you for sticking with me.
> If I'm going to leave you with one idea; one concept, one tool
> above all others; it's the importance of accountability: the active
> exercise of power in the opposite direction of harm.
The truth is, Being a leader in a sex-positive space is incredibly
difficult. When leaders let their guards down, others tend to put
theirs up. Their instincts and desires, which they, like us, have
fought so hard for the right and the courage and the freedom to
express authentically and without shame, can so easily cause those
around them to feel less safe.
Meanwhile, people will inevitably project all their biases,
prejudices, and traumas onto their leaders in ways that no one can
ever completely prevent or control.
> I believe in sex-positive spaces and communities as fundamentally
> liberatory projects, but they can also too easily re-traumatize the
> people in them, fostering trust and then shattering it, and
> recreating the same oppressive, shame-filled, and harmful dynamics
> that we're all trying to escape.
Accountability is Liberation
============================
I've found it both true and useful to see the harm we do as rooted in
systems of oppression, like Patriarchy, and White Supremacy.
I have pushed for emotionless sex in the past in part because, as a
man, and like so many others, I've been raised to evaluate my worth
based on the notches on my belt, and somewhere along the way I lost
the parts of my humanity that would immediately recognize such
actions as harmful. I've needed lots of coaching, therapy, and
corrective experiences to return to my humanity, but most of all,
I've needed accountability.
It's only through accountability for the harm I cause under
Patriarchy, without shame, blame, or excuses, that I've begun to free
myself of the alienation, superiority, and entitlement of modern
manhood.
It's only through accountability that I've ever felt free of the
fear, guilt, shame and self-loathing of those who do harm.
It's only through accountability that my clients ever really lift
from their shoulders the weight of community condemnation.
And it is only by living accountably, preventing harm where I can,
owning it when I can't, and constantly striving to improve, that I
feel secure in my leadership.
For when we take accountability, without evasion or minimization or
deflection, we heal rifts in the fabric of our society that we don't
even have the words to describe. And when leaders pursue
accountability as a way of being, they create healing not just for
the people they've harmed, but for everyone whose lives they touch.
> Accountability is liberation for all of us.
Accountability is key to community resilience
=============================================
The incomparable bell hooks, in her book all about love, called on us
to center what she called "the practice of love within the context of
community."
And truly, what could be more loving than taking accountability for
the harm we do to each other?
Fucking up and then fixing it well actually fosters TRUST, the key
element that was destroyed at that environmental organization I
described, and that clearly, despite the shared mission and all the
sex parties, wasn't really there to begin with. If it was, then
someone would have raised the issue with the leader.
> The more we trust each other, the more resilient our communities
> become.
So many communities break up after their leaders refuse to take
accountability for harm! We cancel each other, abandon each other,
eject each other from the community, get lost in a morass of justice
processes, pods, investigations, mediations, punishment, and
recrimination.
That's why I believe the key to community resilience is not process
or procedure; it's for everyone, starting with our leaders, to
authentically care about accountability, and to PRACTICE IT
THEMSELVES through power-awareness, non-defensiveness, and proactive
harm redution and prevention.
Leaders who consistently deepen do this, and who have the humility to
know they can't see everything, who pre-empt the inevitability of
harm by setting up systems for themselves to support their own
integrity, who know how to deal with harm as it arises and are not
afraid to face it, foster trust and inspire others.
And THIS, my friends, is how we build a new future.
> We must liberate our understanding of justice just as we have
> liberated our sexualities, balancing the ecstasy of sexual freedom
> with the sobriety of skillful prevention and repair. We accept that
> sexual liberation brings with it a massively increased potential
> for harm, and therefore immense new responsibilities for those who
> so bravely step forward to hold the spaces in which our liberation
> can occur.
We must humble ourselves before the immensity of the power we have
when people expose the most vulnerable parts of themselves to us, and
we must accept that our leaders will fall down on this path. We must
acknowledge that power is everywhere and we must learn to dance with
it with nuance and grace. We must center the possibility of change,
without letting anyone off the hook.
We must insist on complexity. And in doing so we will reduce harm and
begin to heal the Guru Curse.
Another world is possible.
I'll see you there.
From:
tags: community,counterculture,gender
Tags
====
community
counterculture
gender