Sometimes I feel ambivalent, and sometimes suicidal. I'm gonna try to list
my mistakes and see how I feel.

## Not taking a break in high school
If I had taken a break just to focus on my future instead of grinding out
assignments non-stop, I would have made better choices. Instead, I could
only give thought to my "passion" because that's what people said, and I
decided on physics because it was something I'm good at and it's a STEM
subject. STEM is a meme at this point, and it was then too, only I didn't
do enough research. When I went to the university fair, I exclusively
looked at "good" physics programs. More fool I.

## Not taking a break after high school
Even after spending money on applications, I could have deferred or even
declined them just to really think through spending 5 years and nearly 20k
for the chance at a very narrow career that requires extremely tough
training. I should have researched my career prospects and developed
backup plans for if shit hit the fan. Instead I just assumed that since I
was good at it and interested in it that I'd just keep going. Maybe that's
an uncharitable read; I don't actually remember what I was thinking. I know
my mom was against gap years on principle.

## Not reevaluating after first year
Lockdowns happened right at the end of mine. I had time in the summer to
think, the only summer break I had, and I took just one single course in
CS and spent the rest of the summer recharging from the past year.

## Not reevaluating after my first unemployed co-op term
I thought co-op = jobs in the future. Not getting a job meant that I should
have reevaluated my life plan. Instead I naively assumed it was just COVID
and I would get one next time.

## Not reevaluating after my second unemployed co-op term
Last possible unemployment term, and instead of reflecting, I panicked and
tried placating myself.

## Not reevaluating after my co-op advisor called me
I was very obviously suicidal and instead of opening up further I got
scared I'd be institutionalized and placated her and myself.

## Not seeking help
Fucking "anxiety" or whatever. I was too easy on myself because I was
treating myself like a skittish animal. I wish anyone in my family saw me
struggling and helped.

## Believing my physics professor's graphs
In my third or fourth year, one of my professors put up a whole series of
charts about low unemployment in physics and how many physics majors go on
into engineering or CS positions. After being unemployed in co-op, why did
*I* of all people think this was an option for me? If I can't compete with
inexperienced 18-22 year olds, how could I possibly compete with people
who have specialized degrees in exactly what employers want?

## Not transferring when I met that civil eng student
I met one who transferred from my exact program. By then I felt I was 4
years in the hole and it wouldn't be worth it.

## Finishing my degree
Locked myself out of assistance programs for a better education. Locked
myself out of internships. Locked myself into being a loser with a wasted
degree.