# I feel good

Ok so. Networking. Actually works really well. I crashed hard because I
had no externals to meet for the first time in 9 years and I didn't know
what to do with myself. Talked to two people today who got me some
perspective.

I literally forgot that teaching is a thing I already enjoy and am almost
qualified to do. Science communication! Fuck, there's so much of that!
God, I could work at the OSC with that kind of career, or even indulge
in some off-the-wall daydreams of myself as the next Bill Nye!

Anyway. This is why untreated mental illness is not good. Hopefully
tutoring gets me enough money for maybe one therapy session once my
student insurance runs out.

Teaching scares me to be honest because it is virtually certain I'll have
to stay closeted until I can get a full time job & join the union.
Science communication is a less certain field but it seems much better
for me as a trans person. Hopefully I get to go on HRT again soon. Being
off it has made me more suicidal than I thought.

Holy shit it just clicked for me. I'm the closest I've been to suicide
in years. I'm getting such tunnel vision that literally only joblessness
and various forms of self-annihilation are on my mind.

This is just flat out dysphoria again. God fucking damn it. How the hell
am I supposed to explain this to my parents? Sorry mom & dad, I have to
reject the church explicitly because I will literally die if I don't
transition. Fuck, can I get a doctor's note for this?

More tunnel vision notes: I knew I didn't want to go into engineering
because my dad took me to the engineering firm he works at for the
grade 9 career day thing and it was just. So depressing there.