i've been thinking a lot lately about mental health. it's been
coming up a lot around my friends in a lot of scenarios. i've
also been seeing it come up in things i've been reading a lot
more, but maybe that's just baader-meinhoff speaking. 

the biggest set of points i want to address is my relationship
with mental health. i have a pretty long family history of 
issues in that realm, but have been pretty resolutely without
problem in the department of mental health for my life up to
this point. on the one hand i feel extremely blessed, but on
the other i can't help but be a little skeptical. is there 
some intense mental health emergency on my horizon? is there
some neurotransmitter ambush lying in wait or only congenital
after a certain age? 

but even with those possibilities, the only real consideration
i've ever had to give to mental health has been through the 
lens of my own self-awareness. i consider one of my better 
traits being able to empathize with others. i do a good job in
interviews and talking to people at getting in their heads
and understanding how they perceive me, but maybe this ability
to leave my own head is its own problems involved. i wouldn't
mark myself as having any indication at all of what would be 
sociopathy or antisocial personality disorder, but i feel a 
bit strange about the lack of trouble i have assuming a third 
party perspective on my own situation. 

one other issue with this understanding of my ability to 
perceive myself as others do is that it begs the question: 
if i'm able to adjust my behavior and empathize with others 
so well, how could i possibly be diagnosed with a mental health 
issue? the only way i guess, would be some sort of intense mental 
chess performed by a therapist in attempting to diagnose me. they 
would have to be able to pick up on things that i don't realize 
they are noticing, which in the situation i would likely have 
trouble not being privvy to. but i think that defeats the purpose 
of therapy, as it's obviously not meant to be some sort of 
strenous game of emotional chess and i acknowledge that. i think 
i probably have some sort of skewed view of what therapy even is 
if my first thought is just that they attempt to diagnose you 
right out of the gate with something, but from experiences 
i've heard friends divulge i can't help myself from seeing 
it as something along those lines. 

but regardless of these thoughts, at the end of the situation
i'm still just trying to understand the best way for myself to have 
a satisfied mind. whether that's with some sort of ailment or not 
somehow seems like a secondary consideration in my opinion. if i'm 
content than there's no reason for concern on that front, just as 
there never really has been for me up to this point. i thin the 
best part about being intensely self-aware is that i do a good 
job of being able to tell when i'm thinking constructive, positive 
thoughts, and when i'm worrying needlessly. for now it feels better 
to be empathetic as an exercise in being a better person, but i 
hope that someday i'll be able to separate that empathy from the 
possibility of being something more malignant.