I've been doing some more meditation recently, and some thinking about my inner child and everything.

Man, I am so **clogged** up, my mind is. I can't look at people without being anxious, I can't enjoy things without being anxious, and nothing feels *right*.

I want to just meditate a bunch and have it go away. But that also makes me worry. Should I just do breathing meditation? Or should I be doing metta meditation to? What about mindfulness? Mindful walks? Guided healing meditations? I DON'T KNOW. I guess I can try things? It's hard.

What if I need to try it every day for a week to see if it will really help? I don't know if that's possible for me. I can barely do it 2 days in a row.

I feel like I'm just stuck in my little head, unable to see the answers, unable to unknot my emotions enough to be at peace and enjoy life. It's really hard. And all of these thoughts are because I've been more mindful lately, and I'm more aware of all the stress I'm under everyday from so many things. I'm stressed by so many things that don't have to stress me out so much. I *want* more mindfulness. I think, anyway? I need it to open up my mind to different ways of thinking and feeling.
I need it to unknot my mental space, the mental fabric inside my head. It's swollen, throbbing, not letting me stop and think clearly. I could FIND solutions if I could just STOP AND THINK CLEARLY, without constant stress welling up in my chest. *siiiiiiiigh*

I want to meditate more... I do. I think it will give me more mental space and clarity... maybe make me less reactive to everything. Maybe it will help me learn more about why my mind is this way. I'm goign to go do that for 20 minutes.

If you're reading this, I really hope you have a wonderful, lighthearted, loving and love-filled day. Take care of yourself and love yourself and pay attention to yourself. <3

I'm gonna try to survive this mental state. I'm not suicidal, I just want *hope* for getting out of this.

Honestly, yesterday was the first day I spent more than 30 minutes meditating in a LOONG time, and it really kickstarted all of this introspection. Maybe this is the storm before the calm. I hope so. Goodnight. pona o tawa sina o tawa lawa sina o tawa sijelo sina o tawa jan sina.


Update:
Didn't meditate, it's getting too late for that, but I did use my brain a little better just now! I just tried to calm my mind down, and the formatting for Makefiles came back to me a little bit. That was nice. :) It's amazing how anxiety and traumatizing thoughts can fuck up your cognition.

Dude, I was just brushing my teeth and I just tried to be mindful, paying attention to the little things, feeling out the little sensations within my chest tightness, and I started... laughing. Like, just... laughing? Chuckles? mi kama jan A Chuckly Goober? It was weird man. So good.