So, quite the update from last feels, wherein I laid out my knotted ball of anxiety and stress I call my mind. The day after I wrote that (so that would be... yesterday?), I decided to meditate more. This all came about kinda quickly...

It all actually started with ChatGPT haha. What a crazy thing to mention on a vintage-tech-loving place like tilde.town. But honestly, it's the best therapist I've ever had. After talking to it about some problems I had with other people, it suggested emphasizing open and authentic communication. After that, I was able to tell a friend/coworker that their teasing was hurting me, and I had a good honest talk with my friend/landlord about a lot of pent up stuff. I started to feel like I was
digging out some of my personal power. That's what I'm calling it, anyway. I felt agency, for the first time in a long time.

Then days later, I found myself procrastinating on changing my car's oil, and I realized that it felt unfair to force myself to do that work, because I felt like I was neglecting myself. So, I tried to indulge myself and explored tilde.town for a while and added some pages to my site. I then meditated for like 35 minutes, which was a while for me, and it was more than just meditation, it didn't just feel like a mental exercise I was doing, it felt like I was being *there* for myself. I was
allowing all my emotions time to sit in my chest, and I was paying attention to them as I watched my breath. It was cathartic. I had been avoiding being present with myself for... a long time. Over a year, certainly.

So yesterday, I felt an urge to do something different. I used to be Christian, about 2 years ago, and I had been taught to do "quiet times", where you sit down, just you and God, you read the bible, and you pray. I decided to do that in an agnostic way. I read a couple journal entries of mine, meditated, and journaled. I realized that I liked quiet times because I *felt like God was spending time with me.* I now realize that I can do that for myself now, in a way that feels meaningful and
real. At least it did yesterday. Quiet times meant I could sit down, be at peace, feel like God was with me, and that that moment was meaningful. It was all beautifully familiar.

That inspired me to write up a new page on my html site called Christanity as an Agnostic. So you can check that out if you want.

So, I'm being here with myself, digesting the traumatizing, overwhelming anxiety and fear I've been dealing with for years, and feeling compassion for myself. It's the fundamentals of metta, loving-kindness. I need it. I've needed it. I've been too overwhelmed with fear to stop and be with myself, but now I'm here.

After that quiet time, I felt the energy and agency to go and change my car's oil (which I had been putting off for weeks), and finish some other things. I needed someone there for me, and I couldn't be that person until now. Christianity taught me to rely on God for all of this, but when that relationship with God began to fade, I had nothing to replace it with, and I totally lost myself. I feel like I'm finally starting to find myself again. I hope it continues, and... I think it
will. I need to keep up my meditation, aka love myself, and mindfulness in the day-to-day.

Next thing to tackle is social anxiety/friendships in general, hopefully that will start to make sense soon too.

:) <3 I love you all