Roommates

I talked with my therapist today about my roommates, mainly. I always go into therapy with a big text doc of stuff to talk about, but I always end up talking about something else. It's usually really good though. It doesn't really matter where we start, as long as we're exploring and discovering things.

I have some issues with my roommates. 1 is my sibling. They're autistic and not very present. That's frustrating enough.
2 is somewhat more complicated. We were pretty good friends for a while, though I wanted more emotional closeness, but we did stuff together. Then 1 and 2 started being friends, and I started feeling left out. Then 1 and 2 started dating, which exacerbated the issue. So I communicated that I felt left out with them, and nothing changed. I tried to do the right thing, but they didn't do anything about it.
My therapist said that one of the worst things that can happen to someone is them getting punished for doing the right thing. Cus it messes your algorithm all up. You start getting confused about what to do, what's right and what's wrong.

I still live with them. I came home today from work and 1, who probably didn't even work today, just said hi or something and nothing else. Honestly I didn't want to talk with them anyway. The fact that I want to avoid them hurts. But it hurts to talk to them too, because I'm faking it. Also I was exhausted, to be fair.

2 was busy when I came home, in another room. We didn't collide tonight cus I went straight to room to get on here. But it hurts to feel so disconnected from him. As long as 1 is here though, I feel like I can't connect with 2. They have this very strange, queer camaraderie even after ending the dating relationship.



My therapist made me aware that I feel that I am only valuable in a relationship if I'm useful to the other person. In high school, I was the "emotional designated driver" out of my friends. They'd bring things to me, but I never brought things to them. I ended up feeling like people used me. I don't really blame them. If anything, I feel bad I fell out of contact with them. But now I'm afraid of people using me. And I'm very afraid of using others.

If 2 texted me and told me that he was dealing with something and needed a friend... you know, I really want to say I'd jump in the car to get to him, even if it was in the middle of the night. Part of me does. But the other part of me is jaded that my friend dated my sibling without telling me and left me out in the process. For years.

I think a while back, he told me that he feels bad about all of this. He said that he feels like he can't make it right. He hasn't... done anything. He doesn't communicate. I'm sick of being in limbo with him.

I wish I could say we're all good, but we're not. I'm not. I'm not okay, still. And as long as this wound is still fucking open, no. He can't make it right. I need to move out. I'm sick of hating social interaction.


What's awful is that 2 plays some special role in my head. It's like I just want him to be open with me, to share his burderns, to show he cares about me. That would really make me feel something. But he doesn't do that... ever. When we get up and it's just us in the kitchen and we look at each other, something is wrong. Something's off. Every time. People who like each other can look right at each other, but we don't, neither of us. I know I'm harboring a lot of feelings. He's
just... distant. I don't know what's going on in his head. And he's not even aware of his emotions most of the time. And he's never real. If anyone is, it's me, talking about my struggles occasionally. I'm so sick of feeling so lonely living with two people. I just want people I can just like freely, but it seems like that's too much to ask.

:(