Ego, Self, and the person I project socially. I wonder if the first and the last of those are the same, or intrinsically intertwined?

I haven't been projecting myself socially much at all, really. Living with roommates, I feel like I don't *get* to. That's interesting. That's a new thought. I feel like it's an opportunity to project the version of myself I want to when I talk with *new* people, acquaintances or strangers even. But when I get too close, or see them every day, it's a totally different game.

But here's the thing: I actually *love* projecting a different version of myself to people. I'm fun, I banter, I'm interesting, a little weird and artsy even. But when I am repressed in that aspect, those things go away. I can't be any of those on my own, it seems. Shame, anxiety, loneliness, and negative thoughts run rampant. It's like my ego can't stand up and function because it doesn't have another person or persons to support itself on.

That's absolutely fascinating. When I was a kid, I could pretty much conjure it myself. I had the drive to create. But also to express it... It was always publically facing, like putting it on youtube. Maybe that was just raw soul, raw creativity? I'm not sure.

I want to be that person more. Oooo.... my sibling makes it very hard. I can't banter with them, they don't banter backart . Hmmmm. It's stifling. How to fix that? Maybe I should just keep doing it...??? I've been "trained" not to be my usual fun-loving self by living here. Damn. My friend group is too literal, too honest I guess? We do have a couple autistic people. Maybe I thrive in a more neurotypical crowd?

But then how do I *be* in my friend events? Gah. I just want to mess around. So frustrating. Who can I do it with?
Sort of Kristian, maaybe Liesl, Hana, ..... Focus on messing around with them. Honestly it's a pretty good idea.

Sidenote: There's this girl from work, Alyssa, who's been very supportive, offering an ear if I want to talk about anything. It's pretty amazing. I really don't want to mess it up, or use her. Talking about things doesn't always help exactly, but she seems like an artsy type like me... Life is Strange is also one of her favorite games! That's definitely a way I could connect, sharing art stuff like that.

Things to practice:
- Not to worry while texting someone. They are just busy doing other things. And *even* if they are hesitating on responding, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own insecurities.
 Actions to help:
 * Breathe, and think about good times with this person
 * Do something else. Set a timer to check back in a bit
- When you see an instance where you and your friend are different, notice if you're tempted to reject them, and instead see if it can be *endearing*.
 * Note: At the same time, practice being kind to yourself as you unlearn this bad habit
 * e.g. Alyssa's gen z humor
- When alone, practice presence. If you are struggling, immediately plan a time to stop for like 2 hours and journal, comfort yourself, and express yourself.