I found my poetry notebook today. I thought I had locked it up in the school attic, but apparently not. This is both good and bad; it's good because it reminds me that I am a decent poet, but it's bad
because it reminds me about bad stuff that's happened to me. Oh well, I'm at least in a better place now mentally. Also,


*I got back into*

*Writing forms of poetry*

*That are not textbook.*


That being said, I'm looking on the bright side this winter. The only two things bothering me are loneliness and boredom, which are possibly one and the same, or stem from the same reason.
But! (and this is a big but) I'm not completely incapacitated by loneliness anymore. I have occupations, worthwhile things to do, and a failsafe called sleep. Even if I can't seem to fall asleep,
I'll read a book or stare at the ceiling while thinking about things (and lately my brain has been much more forgiving with its thought paths, straying less into thoughts of self-worthlessness
and more into thoughts of "what can I do next to prove that I am, in fact, worth something?" Sure, it's not exactly "I am worth something even when I sit idle," but we're getting there.

I have challenged myself to get out all the stuff I'm thinking about (or have thought about lately) into this feels post. I don't know if I'll save it three sentences away from now,
or if it'll end up being a short novel, but whatever's more beneficial for me is the one I'll go with. If you get bored, I won't be mad if you click away. I won't *know* you did it to be mad
in the first place, but even if I know you clicked away, I won't be mad. Why would I be mad about that?

So. I made three new friends about a month ago, all of them trans. I'd known them for a while (one of them was also my co-year student last year) but we only got close recently. Considering two of them
are in a sort-of relationship, I got the closest to the one that was the odd one out, the third wheel if I may. Their main interest is paleoanthropology, something that I can't exactly say I'm well-versed in
(I can barely tell apart a Neanderthal from a Denisovan) but for some reason, listening to them talk about it is positively mesmerizing to me. The way they phrase things and the enthusiasm in their voice
enthralls me and sparks interest in me. It's splendid. Sadly, all three of them are now residing in the capital of Armenia for the winter break, while I'm staying on campus because a) I'm on a scholarship
at a level that means that staying on campus was free, and b) I don't have a source of income other than freelance sysadmin and webdev jobs, and my only savings are the ones from back home,
meaning I am extremely frugal. The point I wanted to make is that they're all gone for now, and I don't want to bother them by texting them whenever I feel lonely, which would be almost constantly;
they're most likely having a jolly good time like all the others I see on Instagram, exploring Yerevan and maybe even getting drunk. Maybe they aren't, but I do check on them and message them every day to
ask, and so far they're all doing okay, thankfully.

I'm hoping that by now, this post hasn't begun to resemble a hodge-podge. Hopefully it's easy enough to follow for you, the reader, without you getting tired. Sometimes I write really long sentences, or
overuse punctuation, which is why I'm worried. Do write in if you have a complaint with my writing style, and I may look into it.

I'm grateful for this community's constant support, and noticed the negative effect of its absence when my tmux session got stuck. Oh well, at least I'm back. Thank you all for existing, much more for
listening!