21 Sep 2024

It looks like I haven't been active here at all since maybe January of
this year.  So it's been a while.  Part of why I ended up talking a lot
in tildechat was just from ... re-evaluating some things, sort of
separating myself from the online social environment I'd fallen into
over the years.  Such that on returning I stopped paying much attention
to here.

But I've got a home directory on tilde.town.  It takes up nine whole
megabytes!  And this isn't the biggest machine --- that's part of the
fun, really.

So I'd like to do something, with it, even if I'm not totally sure what
yet.

This was also the year I shifted to living on-campus, instead of doing
online classes and commuting.  This was kinda last-minute, so I had no
in-person classes in the Spring semester, and ... essentially with the
English course I was taking there was a bit of a situation where the
professor graded an assignment zero, with no explanation given other
than that I should meet him in his office.  His office hours did not
align with my incredibly fucked sleep schedule at the time, so I figured
--- ah, well.  It's just one bad assignment.  I'll do better next time.

The next one too was zero.  And then the one after that.  And my meds
ran out.  I came to think my professor wanted revenge on me, that as a
punishment for failing to meet him the first time I'd doomed myself to
fail the whole course.

In a way, I had.

Eventually I checked the syllabus in desperation and realized this
pattern was vaguely in line with the AI policy.  I wrote an 800 word
email arguing against this.  The response came back, to meet with him.
No explanation given.  So I didn't sleep at all one night, went into his
office, and heard that the whole time it was just that.  Policy.

The assignments I'd managed to do beforehand were reassessed.  But by
the time I was medicated again, by the time I was sleeping more than
once every other day, I was so hopelessly behind that I just ... stopped
bothering, for everything.

Instead I got back into art.

I used to draw constantly as a kid, but as puberty hit, as mounting
depression kind of irreparably damaged everything about me, I stopped.
Retreated purely into tech stuff, a bit of creative writing here and
there.

And now it's back, and ... it's been good for me.  I've been making
friends, through putting my art out on the internet.  My mental state
is, frankly, dogshit, but at the same time better than it's been in
years.  I can _feel things_ now!  Which means I break down sobbing over
fucking nothing, that I'm anxious pretty much all of the time.  But it's
better than the apathy.  Anything is.

Part of that whole change, is starting to become well enough to actually
introspect a little.  So I've been reflecting, on my self.

AND FUCK, I'M TRANSGENDER

I'VE BEEN TRANS THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME

THAT CRUSHING SENSE OF HOPELESSNESS WAS GENDER DYSPHORIA

OH GOD