i want more than anything to try and really _engage_ with the world.
there's so much beautiful art and writing out there, genuine
masterworks.  and yet i engage with none of them --- for the past couple
years i simply haven't had the patience to watch film or tv.  used to
read a lot of fanfic (much of it platonic batman omegaverse at one
point, lol), but kinda lost the patience for that, too...

for a pretty long time i had a schedule, of sorts, where the internet
would turn off after a certain time of night.  but i still had my
computer.  so i'd download fics from ao3 and put them in a little
C program i wrote to read them with, and listen to downloaded music, and
loved it so so much.  it's so peaceful, being disconnected from the
wider world.  but lately everything's been social media on the one hand,
and put-off schoolwork on the other.  gotta stay online!  gotta keep up
to date!  gotta get your assignments in!  ugh.

maybe i'll put sth in my crontab to automatically kill firefox sessions.
it's not so bad reading/watching downloaded stuff, or hanging out in
discord with my friends.  just gotta get rid of social media, and
especially, especially, _youtube_.  how many hundreds of hours have i
wasted watching youtube videos, instead of anything really moving or
meaningful.  background noise!  nothing but background noise, as i play
quake or tf2 or rain world arena mode, just to idle with my hands!  to
hell with it.  if i want to watch youtube videos, let it be through mpv
and an rss reader, god damn it all to HELL.

watch more movies!  read more books!  read more fanfic, even!

at least i've made some art.  but i haven't _written_ anything, even
though i desperately want to.  so, there's some adjusting to do.

still not quite sure what to do with this account, with my feels feed
... should it be just emotions?  or should there be an occasional
sprinkling of essays on whatever subject, creative writing?  i'll think
about it.  maybe go back to my old standard of writing stuff out on
paper first, before typing it up --- easier on the hands, more fun, more
thoughtful.

there's a lake on campus.  we're not allowed to swim in it, because it's
part of the city water supply, but i'd like to walk down there and just
sit by the edge with my writing things, maybe bring a book.

just take _time_, don't move so quickly.

pay attention to life, before it's gone.