its  been  over  a  year  since  i  was  here
COVID-19  has made  everyone  stay home  i've
been  working from  hom since  the 15th,  and
they have  us scheduled to come  back in may.
but  i  bet  it'll  be june.  read  too  many
artciles  and  watched  too  many  SRI  model
videos to believe may will be ok.

it sucks  because I was just  starting to get
comfortable  going  out  and trying  to  make
personal  friends. i  had/have friends  but i
dropped a lot of people after my mom died and
i  realized  sometimes  your  friends  aren't
actually all  that friendly.  so in  the mean
time  i've been  getting  my  mind and  money
right  so that  i  could feel  some sense  of
stability  and security.  if your  home feels
good, its easier to leave it.

i tried  submitting some poems last  fall and
got the  rejection email as i  was driving my
(our)  cat to  the emergency  animal hospital
across town. that was  a real bad day. before
that  i had  nearly deleted  all the  version
control  i had  on  my poems,  and spent  two
hours immediately after  submission fixing it
up.  now it  all  just  feels...dirty, and  i
can't figure out how to clean it.

ive made  some moves, and written  a few here
and there,  but im not going  to throw myself
into  that  level  of work  again,  something
averaging 2 poems a week  for 2 years. it was
messy,  and undirected.  i want  instruction,
that i  feel is legitimate, and  im not gonna
get that in my city unless i finally find the
poetry community here

i wonder  if people  are doing  online poetry
readings/events  right   now...doubtful,  but
i'll check it out

anyway im still  working, still alive, trying
not to  drink too much. maybe  i'll see y'all
again in another year.