j'sais pas vraiment ce qui se passe dans ma tete

i feel completely dissociated, alternating between moments where time flies and others
where it seems like an hour is an eternity.

i'm pretty good at faking my wellness, 'till the point where i gaslight myself
into thinking that everything is alright, i think i learned it as a child.

let's just say i didnt have the best childhood, but it kind of toughed me.

i always hated being seen as weak or showing that i need help, i hate the idea
of people feeling pity or sorry for me. that's why im good at not showing it in
front of friends of family.

but then when i'm alone i feel the crushing weight of reality, my castle of cards is
falling and there's nothing i can do about it.

sometimes i cry, i dont want to, i try so hard to think about else but it's hard to
control it. yesterday i was running in the park in my city and it happened.
i had my sun glasses so no big deal but it really hit me hard.


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		#### TRIGGER WARNING: suicide ####
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this past month has been rough. when i drive the car i think about going faster
and faster and hitting a wall. today i was driving my whole family and the idea
seemed so appealing, my brain was trying to justify it " if all of my family is
in the crash it's ok". shit is fucked up. what the fuck happened to get to this
point, if u read my entries of a couple of months ago i was the happiest man on
earth, so stoic and grateful, but now i fell like a little baby, no control over
myself, cant focus, i dont know myself no more.

maybe so many years of bottling things up and saying "it is what it is" really
reached the limit.


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		#### TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorder / body dysmorphia ####
		############################################################

during last year i lost 30 kg and put on a good amount of muscles, i became also
more self confident and "charismatic" lets say. but now the bad part is showing up
i'm obsessed with my weight, i check it every day, i also look at my love handles and
my puffy cheeks every day in the mirror. i punish myself everytime i over eat by
skipping some meals and going for longer runs. but after two days of literally eating
nothing i end up binge eating so much and having a pain in my chest for how fast i'm
stuffing my mouth with food, it's not even some good food, it can be also bland bread
with chese or pasta, but i need to feel my stomach completely full untill it hurts to 
stop eating. and then the cycles repeats it self.

as i said i'm so good at faking that nothing is going on with other people, when i go
out to a restaurant or something i act completely normal, i feel completely normal.
but again, as soon as i'm left "alone", i have a reality check.


i'm really thinking about finding some help, i have a feeling that this period isn't
just gonna "pass" as nothing happend. 

i never opened up with no body on all of this that you just red, i ask to who knows
me in real life to dont bring this topic out, i need my time.

i dont know if opening up so much will help me, ill keep u updated, maybe i'll go into
more details next time, i should understand how it will make me feel, because this
entry has been pretty hard to write.

P.s. i also feel like a bad person, i'm more envious of other people's lives,
i think the worse and think people are lying or manipulating me always.

i promise i'll do what i can do feel and be good again.

bye