it's usual to see in movies or hear stories about "functional drug addicts", they are drug addicts but
they think they still can have a normal life and that the people around them dont notice it.

That's how i feel, i'm not on drugs but it's kind of the same thing.


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			############# TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDER ##############
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i'm just gonna say it directly, i've been bulimic for a while now. 

it started after some binge episodes i had. and it felt fucking great. I was able to eat whatever i wanted
without the ripercussion of gaining fat. i was so happy. it didnt bother me at all. Maybe once or twice
a week i'd binge on biscuits and nutella usually and then i would throw up everything in the bathrom. 
i felt amazing, in complete charge of my body. used to do it early in the morning, when no one was awake.
i used to put an alarm at 5 AM so that i could wake up, binge, throw up and then go normally to university.
now that i think about it it's fucking crazy. 
however after a month, binge eating wasn't fun anymore, goddamn i still have the need to stuff my stomach with
food until it hurts, as an ex-fat person i think this will never go away. u know what i started liking more?
feeling hungry. 

it's such a weird thing, but feeling hungry feels so good. i feel good when my stomach is empty. i feel skinny.
i feel like my body is burning off the fat in my body. that's so bad ....
however bulimia  didn't stop, every time i have a "normal" meal, something that isn't just vegetables, i feel
the need to throw up, and i end up doing it. it doesn't feel great now. it feels miserable.
i'm down to 71kg. body dysmorphia at an all time high. Somedays i feel too fat, others i feel too skinny.
i'm still kind of rational u know. i'm not gonna starve myself to death, i drink plenty of water, have salt to
balance the electrolytes missing from such a bad diet and behaviour. but it's not good.

i'm also "over-training", every day either i go for a run or i do an intense session in the home-made gym that
i have (home-made dumbells and body exercises). i feel the need to earn the food that i'm eating or else it's 
just going to waste.
it's not a bad thing to train, but i can feel that i'm not properly "fueled" for it. weeks go by and i'm getting
weeker (i can do less pushups) or i feel tired while running less than before.

food is starting to become a problem also as a social event. When i go out with my friends friday or saturday
evening instead of a beer i usually drink a coke zero because i dont want to waste my hard earned calories with
a drink. I try to avoid eating with other people, and when an event requires eating together i get so anxious
and i organize my whole week around that meal, so a stricter diet and a more running.

as a whole i think i'm getting better, these couple of days i didnt purge and i ate kind of decently.

People around me don't really notice it, that's good, i had a couple of comments about the fact that i look
thinner, but nothing special.

i'll get some help, i know this isn't good. i been lurking on some forums and communities online.
i think i'm at a good point because i keep my rational side. i know what i'm doing. i still kind of in charge
of my actions. it's gonna be better i know.

however i curse the day i started counting calories. yes i lost 35+ kg, but life was so much easier before.
i cant see food without thinking about the calories now. hope i'll learn how to do it again.
i cant deny that being/feeling skinny is so good, i can understard kate moss who used to say
"nothing taste as good as skinny feels". that's fucking toxic, but true.

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aside of this, got also some pretty good news:

- university and internship are going really well.

- i'm dating a new girl, she probably the 5th one in 4 months, not really proud of this but i'm 22 yo, fuck it.
  she pretty and we really get along, we also have compatible life styles let's say. i'll see where it goes.
  i have some really good vibes from her.
  as every girl she also struggles with food/her body image/self-esteem... i try to help her but i feel
  like a liar, because i feel worse then her probably but i dont say anything about it. i don't want people
  to know that i'm weak. that's toxic masculinity i know, but what can i do, gotta say thanks to mom and dad
  who used to repeat to me as kid to "be a strong man and not to cry or be helpless like a little girl".

- really enjoying technology and videogames too. i got back my passion for computer science i feel like, 
  that's good, i spend more time reading useful stuff and having fun.

that's all. i hope i'll be able to read all of this in months/years and think "i was so stupid and young,
now everything got better".

P.s. i also feel very apathetic towards people lately, i'm always a people pleaser, but something is different
	 in me. maybe i'll talk about this better in the future.

bye-bye nice people on this server, i don't know you but i'm sure our future is gonna be bright
(cringe i know, but i really hope it)