yesterday was very hard but somehow i managed to not do anything i would regret

now i need to keep this streak going

it's pretty hard mentally

im hopefull

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i fucked up. not totally but i fucked up. 

i had a pretty long binge episode today. triggered by a lunch with some friends.
ate some pasta with cheese and fruit/pistachios for dessert.
then i came back home and had cookies, oreos, cereals and bread with nutella.
then i brought by car my litlle brother to the chess club and while waiting for him
i went to the supermarket and bought a donut, a chocolate tablet with almonds,
a cheesecake and also had salty tosted peanuts.

of course my belly was so full i was in pain in the end. i didn't even taste
the food while in the car, i was just stuffing my face.

i know i shouldnt count the kcal but it adds up to a total of more than 5'000 calories.

i say "partially" fucked up because at least i didn't purge after, ofc i couldnt,
i wasn't home. but it's better like this!

1) purging is absolutely terrible for body and health, it's something i really need
   stop doing.
2) now i have to feel the consequences of what i did, i have to suffer for how full
   my belly is and this maybe will help me stop next time i want to binge.

however as i said i'm trying to break the cycle. so i have to stop thinking about
fasting tomorrow and need to have 3 simple meals like a normal human being.

i feel like eating disorders and drug addiction are two similar things. 
i completely lose control of my body, find so many excuses in those moments,
feel the euphoria and then the come down.
then the false promises to stop, to be better, then i fall again.
and u know what? in reality i fucking like it.
u ever think why crack-heads don't stop using drugs? why obese people don't
stop eating? why anorexic people dont eat something?
i can totally understand them. rationally they know they are doing something bad
but they are not in control. everything becomes such burden when u suffer from
something like this. u feel stupid. u fell naive. u fell like u are not in control.

i'll try i'll try i'll try i swear.

i'm at 68kg, still a healthy bw, i like how my body looks. fuck.
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i'm doing pretty well actually aside of that.

i loved creating my gift for the secret santa hehe, can't wait to receive mine.

bye!