Not a Good Friday

I'd been debating sharing this on Mastodon, then in letters I've 
already leaked this in most letters, as it's sitting like a 
Tyrannosaurus Rex in the room of my mind. People on Mastodon 
have other gravities besetting them: a global pandemic, for one.

My husband has fast-devouring, metastatic liver and pancreatic 
cancers. I have to drive him to the United States for treatment. 
Canada Border Services pesters me: where was I? What did I bring 
back? Search the trunk! I'm under mandatory quarantine for two 
weeks, except for essential travel! What's my email? What's my 
phone number?

I'm stuck with raging cancer-case who's either dozy or irritated, 
griping or groaning and moaning, and a petulant, self-absorbed, 
flighty young adult male who will not use this as opportunity to be 
helpful and gain independence. He has to shop as I'm in MANDATORY 
'self-isolation' yet he drops the debit card out of the pocket, 
every time, and comes back freaking out he's lost it. He could 
put it in his wallet immediately after extracting it from the paypad.
 I could put it in a soft translucent, flexible plastic case, 
clip it to a lanyard and make him wear it. Giving him cash is not an 
option. I could ask volunteers at DeltAssist, but he's got to learn.

I was doing laundry and making dinner in my mid-teens, he's taking 
culinary arts. Great! I said, more than once. Once a week, cook a 
meal, I'll buy the groceries. I've offered this to him since late 
October. He doesn't bother. What's important? /r/baseball sick burns 
and Zac Greinke quotes. He should be thanking me and doing my 
bidding without question out of gratitude. LOTS of people want to 
leave the US, not have decades of student loans to pay off, have 
a sane leader checked by a representative and fairly elected 
government. He should be initialing squares on our monthly/weekly
 house chores grid. He should be shouldering some of this burden.

But of course cancer doesn't exist. Never mind it still kills 
more people worldwide than COVID-19 does. Everybody else healed 
their cancers so they can all finger-wag and chide and be all 
social-distance-warriors at the dumb rubes like us "STAY AT HOME!" 
who have no goddamn idea how a nonsmoker with only cancer on his 
maternal grandparents' side gets sudden death. We should have 
thought of getting cancer before the pandemic, or just magically
cured it. At least that's the vibe I'm getting from PM Justin 
Trudeau, Premier John Horgan, and Health ministers Patty Hajdu 
(federal) and Adrian Dix (provincial). 

In my mind the wrong spouse got cancer. I moved back to Canada 
thinking cancer would devour me at my age, as it did my mom, 
and did I want to live in the US? I didn't want to live period. 
Now I have the imminent and sudden loss of my husband to deal 
with, and someone who won't come up with creative solutions 
to overcome his weaknesses, who won't initiate good habits and 
success/betterment -- "use a bullet journal! Create reminders on
the task lists of your email accounts! Use a Windows app!" Naaaaah.

I can't go out and geocache, because the federal government will 
likely be using GPS on my phone to trace my routes. The bright 
side is that the exercise room is eight metres west of us, so I 
could workout there away from those two for 20-30 minutes.