2020-07-26 // 100 years, compersion, et cetera ------------------------------------------------------------------------ C. and I have a favorite song amongst many by Ani DiFranco, "Pulse" [0]. I saw something online about how nobody will remember us in a hundred years, and it reminded me of this stanza of the lyrics: the problem with death is that we have some hundred years and then they can build buildings on our only bones 100 years, and then your grave is not your own and we lie in out beds, and our graves unable to save ourselves from the quaint tragedies we invent- and undo, from the stupid circumstances we slalom through I think about this from time to time. It's sort of the musical version of Carl Sagan's reflections on the pale blue dot [1], set to the tune of feeling like death after a night of partying. It's a really great song and I love it so much. Yesterday, I was dog tired after spending Friday night talking with C. about the nature of her sexual identity and of our relationship [2]. Didn't sleep more than maybe 4 hours, but last night I got a GREAT night's sleep. I needed that badly. I also had a great phone conversation yesterday afternoon with my friend, J., who is being very supportive and just a great friend generally. It helps a lot to have polyamorous friends who share the same sort of beliefs about relationships. A LOT a lot. I think C. and I are both in sort of an oscillating mode right now, bouncing between "yay" and "what now?" J., who has been through similar situations, was like "yeah, you're probably gonna be going between those two for a while." I'm not planning on jumping into any changes until that oscillation settles down and we figure out what we want our future to look like. A question posed: "what do YOU want?" I don't know. I'm flexible. Perhaps, like the fictionalized version of William Moulton Marston in "Professor Marston and the Wonder Women" [3] was told by his wife, Elizabeth: "I think you long for an unconventional life." Man, I love that movie. That line is so true, though. There's a word coined by the poly community, "compersion," which is sort of like the opposite of jealousy. It's happiness for others. Like cheering on your friend when something goes great in their life. It's hard to describe how it feels, but I'll try: your heart smiles, and sometimes your face hurts from smiling so much. To revisit that line from "Professor Marston," I DO. I _do_ long for an unconventional life. I have never been so happy as when I've seen C. fall in love. I want to be with a tribe, a chosen family, where love reigns, people support each other, and our children grow up feeling loved, too. We are here for such a short period of time, and we'll be forgotten soon enough. We are here, not for ourselves, but for each other, and life is too short to let conventions and expectations dictate how to live our lives. I long for an unconventional life. :) kvothe. [0]: https://invidio.us/watch?v=CTKZ-GUefVM [1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pale_Blue_Dot#Reflections [2]: gopher://zaibatsu.circumlunar.space/0/~kvothe/phlog/2020-07-25.txt [3]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professor_Marston_and_the_Wonder_Women